You know them. You see them all the time. Oogie people. Just makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, or – if you’re like me, make you want to vomit. Yesterday I was in the local discount store, getting some crazy flying/screaming monkey toys for my boss’ kids. They’re all sick, and I figured they could fling them at each other, and inflict torture on their parents with all the screeching they do.
So I’m standing in line when I catch a whiff of, ahem..some nasty stuff. I immediately thought to myself at least this person reeking of stench behind me has been working, so I should quit being so hormonal and judgmental. And then he had to go ruin it by talking to me. The conversation when something like this:
Oogie: So, are those toys for your inner child?
Super-Perfect-Me: No. They’re for some sick kids.
Oogie: Not your kids I hope.
Super-Perfect-Me: No. My boss’s kids. (Note to self: Oogie – are you writing a freaking novel? Why the 50 questions?)
Oogie: Oh, by the way. Are those your real eyes?
Super-Perfect-Me: No. (If only you could see the ugly look about my face at this time.)
Oogie: Oh. I was going to say…if those are your real eyes, you might be a little devilish.
Super-Perfect-Me: Well, if you’re not careful, I can be. (Mustering the best “go to hell” look I have in my pocket)
Oogie: Oh c’mon now. There’s no way you could be a devil with such cute toes. (What in the SAM HILL? Did you just say something about my toes? You carnie-freak, why are you talking to me. About my toes?!?!?! BLECK. Can I vomit on you? What in the HELL are you thinking? Who says that? To a complete stranger no less? In a completely FREAKY strange way that makes you nauseous?
Now if you know me (or if you don’t) I’m not phased by too much these days. I’ve led an interesting life, and done some insane things…but to be able to “OOG” me out? You have to be pretty damn impressive with your “ooginess”.
I was sick as a dog the rest of the time in line, and just when I thought I get away without another word spoken between us, he says (with the flipping nastiest look on his face that I’ve ever seen) “You have fun with those toys of yours.” VOMIT.