Monday, September 15, 2008

I thought I was just going to go home…. (06.28.08)

....but am I ever “just” going somewhere, so simply? Not in my life.

It all started on a cold and rainy Monday afternoon….kidding. Sorry. Felt like starting a novel. After the hectic morning, followed by a few hours of leading a group of insane 5th & 6th graders at Vacation Bible School, I visited Mom and Dad for a while. I was getting ready to go home, and wouldn’t you know I could find the keys. Figures. This isn’t an unusual occurrence, so I thought after some praying, cussing, and repenting, I’d find ‘em. Wrong. After countless hours (minutes) searching, and coming to the decision that I didn’t want to waste money on Lock Doc, I decided to take my Dad’s car home. Oh yes….the tank called the Lincoln Towncar. I figured either my Mom would find the keys later, OR I’d find the first set I’d lost at home a few weeks before. I just wanted to go home and have a nice evening. Hey – we all have our wants, right?

I got on the road, had calmed down, and I was singing Rock Lobster at the top of my lungs. The girls were riding with me, and the world was good. They soon fell into a sweet slumber because my voice is so awesome. (There’s my other career….becoming the rock star I know I am and putting out a new version of Rock Lobster. For those of you unfortunate enough not to have heard it, give me call and I’ll serenade you. Really.) Actually they did fall asleep, and I was enjoying the silence.

I was about 3 miles away from home when I saw a “spot” in the middle of the road. Figuring it was a dead animal, I kept on driving. As I came closer, I realized it was alive, and it was a squirrel. Oh, I yelled out loud for the idiot to stay put so I wouldn’t hit it, and I think it heard me. Or it was just scared senseless (hey – happens to the best of us sometimes). I got about a mile on further down the road when I got to thinking that was the smallest squirrel I’d ever seen.

I just HAD to turn around and go see about it. Maybe it was a baby without a Mom! I couldn’t just leave it there! Maybe I ran over half of it and it was suffering! I couldn’t be so heartless as to finish the job off, but I could take it to the vet! Administer CPR? Lay hands on it and pray? I drove back and pulled to the side of the road, and the little critter was still sitting in the same spot, and the only thing I could tell was that it was shaking.I got a little closer, and then I realized what I was looking at. The cutest thing I’d ever laid eyes on in the last 30 seconds.

It was a baby alright….a baby skunk. Smaller than the palm of my hand! Ohhhhh….I didn’t care that it would grow up to be a rabies-carrying-stink-bomb, it was cute…and I have a mother’s heart. Sometimes. It was making a little chirping sound, and being the animal expert that I am, I figured it didn’t know how to use it’s squirter. And no, I didn’t get skunked. I got down on my hands and knees and starting making the same noise, “calling” it over into the grass. I couldn’t very well leave it to be run over by some idiot driving like a bat out of hell, or eaten by a stupid vulture. I needed to get it to safety. After it clumsily got to the grass (falling over just like a baby learning to walk) I decided to do what any mother would do. A photo shoot. (With the crappy cell phone camera).AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I “helped” it get to the safety of the forest, and decided to head on home. I did a 360 in the middle of the road, and then….got stuck. Oh yes. In my Dad’s Towncar. On the side of the road. In the mud. Because it had rained a bit before. AND the car was half in the ditch, and half in the road. The good long stretch where people drive really fast. Grrreeeeaaatttt. All because some stupid skunk couldn’t keep up with her lame-o kid and it had to go and look all helpless in the road. Moron. That’s the last time I stop for a skunk!

I didn’t want to call Peabody. He’d be mad as piss. I didn’t want to call my Dad. Same scenario. So I broke down and called Eddie, the ranch hand. I even lied and said the reason I pulled over in the first place was because Smartie had taken off her seatbelt. Way to go there, 30-year-old-mother-of-the-year! Lie about it! That ALWAYS makes things better. I was waiting for him to get there, and decided to attempt to get out of the ditch one more time. I succeeded! I put it in reverse, floored it, and that sucker flew across the road. Put it in drive, and I was on my way! Whew! What a day!

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