Monday, September 15, 2008

Vomit, Butter and Coffee.(06.23.08)

Vomit happened. I could’ve used butter. And then my butt ate coffee. All in the span of 15 minutes!

Last night on my way home, I decided to stop at Sonic to get my daily Java Chiller fix. A Java Chiller is like heaven in a cup, and cheaper than Joe Muggs or Star Bucks, so that’s an extra! CoolTeen and Cookie were along for the ride.I placed my order. Cookie was happy, yapping away. CoolTeen and I were making small talk. (I was being cool, as usual.) A hacking noise came from the back seat, and I realized Cookie was choking on something. I still haven’t figured out what it was, other than the most disgusting, clobbered milk EVER known to man. You know what I’m talking about. I pondered to myself whether I should let her “sit and simmer” until we got home; OR, risk taking her out of her seat to clean her up, and then scream, push and cuss for another 10 solid minutes trying to get her back IN her seat. Might I add that Cookie was not at all bothered by this vomity goodness. She was smiling, playing, and rubbing it in her hair.

I took all I could stand. Within 2 minutes, the stench had wafted to the front seat, and I decided to clean her up (for my own selfish reasons).I opened the door and realized I parked too close to the stupid ordering window. Did I re-park? Heck no. That would’ve taken more effort than I could muster.

Instead, I attempted to squeeze my voluptuous self out of the area smaller than the end of a ballpoint pen. This is where the butter would’ve been helpful. Seriously. I still have marks on myself where I successfully managed this feat.Did I mention I was sporting the most insane “hawk” you’ve ever witnessed in the history of man?!?!?! My faux-hawk was rocking like there was no tomorrow. I was just playing around at home, did one, and then forgot it was there. Oh I was getting props for my mad hair skills. I’m awesome.

ANYHOW….I get to the other side of the car when the car-hop-girl comes up with 3 chillers. I give them to CoolTeen and tell him to put them “somewhere” until I can finish with Cookie…FIGURING he’d hold one, and put one in each cup holder. Get Cookie all cleaned up, happy with myself, thinking it was way easier than it should’ve been. I go around to my side to get in the car again, and this time hold my breath and try to “do it fast and get it over with” (gee, how many times have I said that in my life!) I suck in, twist, and contort myself, and finally! Plop into the seat, where I had a very unusual feeling come about my butt. I jumped (if you can “jump” 6 inches in a car) thinking I’d been shot. My life flashed before my eyes. And then CoolTeen laughed. Terd. The Genius-To-Be-Called-CoolTeen actually had the idea (and followed through…that’s my boy!) to sit my chiller in my seat. Ehx-cuse-meh? I yelled some obscenities (of course all my windows were down, so I was playing the W.T. role perfectly) and then yelled at CoolTeen for sitting it there in the first place.Have you ever had a coffee enema? They do those, you know. Yesterday was my first one. I think in the future I’d like it to have a little less bite, and a bit of a warmer temperature.

Do you know what he had the gumption to tell me?! “Oh sorry, Mom. Next time I’ll tell them to reinforce the sides of the cup with steel!!!!”CoolTeen is now in a FADI coma (fist-and-drug induced).

Okay, I’m kidding – you crazy people and your non-having-sense-of-humor-beavers. Whatever.The one plus that came out of all of this is now I have a long-lasting coffee-scented seat. You couldn’t pay for one of those. I rock! Oh, and one more thing. By the time I got home and took off pants, my butt was dried.

This morning I went to take a shower. Peabody was in the bathroom and said “Did you crap in your pants or something?” Well OF COURSE I DID! No. “Are you sure,” he said, “because you have a fart stain on the back of your panties.” Really, bucko…that high? I wasn’t aware I’d had my fart-maker transplanted to top of my butt. Idiot.

No comments: