Ahhh, vacations. For the stressed, a vacation is a relaxing time….my ideal vacation would be full of sand, sun, and margaritas….and minus, say...3 heathen children hell bent on making me work for my money. I might as well have taken up 2 or 3 extra jobs instead of “vacating”, because that’s what my vacation was all about. Work. And cussing. And pill-popping. And margaritas. Did I mention cussing?
We (i.e. 2 insane parents) decided to take our family to San Antonio for a fun weekend, to visit Sea World, the zoo, River Walk, all that good family stuff. San Antonio was…eventful, stressful, etc. In case you’ve forgotten their ages (hey—sometimes I can’t remember their names!), CoolTeen is 12, Smartie is 4, and Cookie is 1.5. They basically live to piss each other off.
Normally I have 2 back seat areas, but when packing for a family of 5, you have to smash all the kids together like sardines in one area. DAY ONE: About an hour down the road, I felt duct-tape calling my name. If you aren’t in the know, duct-tape LOVES children, especially bad ones!
The following is a staged pictured. This is no way represents real life. Ever. Unless being paid.
When the 2 older ones finally shut up (about 4.5 hours into the 5 hour trip), Cookie decided to have an asthma attack. We met our friends at their hotel, Cookie sucked back some albuterol and ‘roids, and all was well in the world. Or so I thought. That’s what I get for thinking! Idiot.
We went to the San Antonio zoo. Had I known how bad it would SUCK, I wouldn’t never wasted time fighting for parking spaces and being DEFEATED by some moustached-road-wench-and-her-tin-on-wheels, and THEN having to park flipping light years (a mile) away. It was at least 150 degrees outside. Even when scantily clad, ice water doesn’t knock the edge off. I was so desperate as to stand under the BIRD BATH! I didn’t care if it was shit-water, I needed something on my skin besides sun. Do you know what the highlight of the zoo trip was? Walking back to the car and finding that a fire-hydrant thing had exploded, making a river in the road!!! I jumped it in like a school-kid. It could’ve been full of elephant pee, and I’m pretty sure I would’ve jumped it in anyhow. We finally made it back to the hotel in time for a few hours of swimming, and then got ready for a night out on the town. What in the PISS were we thinking?!
Kids don’t like to walk, so why would we take them to the River WALK:? HELLO?!?!?!?! Morons. The only thing that made it worth-while was ending at Dick’s Last Resort. CoolTeen (and Peabody) was impressed with all the multi-colored bras hanging from the bar and girls as far as the eye could see. The place was packed wall to wall, so our party of 8 wedged in between the stage and ramp, and settled in for a good time. There was a storm of paper balls flying at all times. What an awesome idea! I had more fun throwing crap at random people than ever. CoolTeen got 2 hours to mack on women, and they thought he was a cute kid. CoolTeen = satisfied. For once! Smartie was head-banging to the live band, and happy, and Cookie was dancing on the table. We’re raising our kids to be outstanding citizens, eh? The music and margaritas made the whole day. I was ecstatic! Great ending to the first day.