We do NOT drink piss in our family!

So it’s been a coon’s age since I last blogged. We’ll just say my unfortunate run-in with a pine tree gave me writers block for a bit (or 3 months). The pine tree *finally* met it’s ultimate demise a few days ago, when I saw it being chopped and loaded into a trailer, and the rest being put into a wood chipper. Suck on *that*, pine!

You may not have any idea of what I’m referring to with all this pine tree talk. In October, on my way to drop off my girls at school, a pine tree smite me in the SUV, so to speak, and I nearly met Jesus up close and personal. Fortunately the girls were unharmed. My SUV died and went to junk heaven, and I was taken to ETMC. I don’t remember a thing, but I got 8 liters of blood (thank you very *much*, donors), and spent 6-8 hours in surgery for them to save my now-gimpy left arm. After a few days on a ventilator, and some good drugs (from the best parts I recall, of course), I was released about a week after the accident. I’d also like to extend a *very* personal thank you to the suckbag pine tree, who forced me to have to drive a minivan now.

I had to have spots on my biceps closed up a few times, because it kept coming open, so *that* was nice. My stupid arm is still numb, and burns all the time. A few of my fingers won’t bend, and that pisses me off when I need them to help button my pants, but honestly I shouldn’t complain. I *do* have one of the best scars EVAH and it instantly makes me 10 times hotter. I’m lucky I’m alive and that I have 2 arms.

Now, on to *more* important things.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Duke should live in Japan because he likes to drink piss. Piss is, after all, sterile. If you’re stranded out somewhere for a long while, and need something to drink, you can drink piss if you need to. It still doesn’t make me a fan of it. I’m not sure how long I’ll have to wait before I can kiss Duke on the mouth.

Fa’real yo. He managed to escape the carefully planned out trap doors we have put up around the house; this particular one made up of about 7 pillows. He was able to squeeze his little fat body underneath them to the other side of the couch, and made a beeline down the hall. I wasn’t worried, since I knew I shut the doors in the hallway. No problem. Until a few minutes later when I hear Gracelyn screaming, “NO Duke! You can drink that! Oh my gosh, Mom! Come here!! Duke is drinking pee and sucking on toilet paper!!!” LOVELY.

Apparently Gracelyn went into the bathroom earlier to wash her hands and forgot to shut the door. It was *also* disgustingly apparent that Byron is in 3rd grade and *still*, at 34 years of age, doesn’t know how to flush the toilet. Duke was standing at the toilet, leaned over with his arms in it, and covered in piss water. Holy piss indeed ma’am. Needless to say, Duke was bathed in GermEx.

Later, in the bat cave, all was relatively calm. Duke was upset because he didn’t think I’d ever kiss him again, so he crawled over to one of his favorite parts of the house. The Liquor Cabinet. He took out his favorite old bottle of tequila, started beating a spoon on it, and chewing on the lid. It *was * pretty cute, so I even ran to find the camera to take a picture. I switched over to look at it, to make sure he wasn’t all goggle-eyed, and noticed something more important. The lid was sitting behind him, on the floor. The cap to the bottle. A UWS (unidentified wet spot) was on the floor behind him. It seems Dukers took it upon himself to get the lid off, and washed his mouth out all antiseptic-like so I’d feel better about kissing him (he *knows* I love margaritas). Fortunately I was only gone getting the camera for 15 seconds, so he wasn’t *totally* soused. We’re SO waiting for his 1st birthday party for that!!

PS: I got extensions, so I look like this now:

Payback's hell.

Ahhh, maturity. It takes longer to develop in some of us. In others, we mature quickly, only to relapse when we hit our 30-somethings. That’s the case for myself (VERY mature mother of 4, and church secretary), and some of the other *wonderful special fabulous* workers at Mother’s Day Out.Yesterday, after all the insane children were napping from the Easter Party fun, some teachers wondered what they’d do with the additional confetti filled Easter eggs. A while later a plan was concocted to smash said eggs in the car of another *super* MDO teacher. Hey, it was completely fair game…the car was unlocked! Although I wasn’t specifically involved in this “attack”, I did take pictures of the aftermath for fun. Wait…don’t go just yet. Look at the pictures below, and then keep reading.

The day went on. I stayed late at the office working on stuff for the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services. Then we attended the Maundy Thursday service, went home, got kids to bed, and relaxed. I hopped online and rehashed the days’ activities with a friend. We got to talking about how we’d like to work as a team to pull a prank on yet another innocent bystander. Then we figured ‘why pick on the innocent’? Let’s get someone who needs to be messed with…say, like the Pastor? He’d gotten each one of us with different pranks here and there over the last few weeks (April Fools, etc.) and we came to the decision that payback was necessary.

An hour later, say 11 p.m.-ish, I was on my way to pick up my friend. We had the car loaded with toilet paper and plastic forks, because that’s how we roll. I must say we did a heck of a job….but didn’t go too overboard. This IS Good Friday, after all. We left shortly thereafter, and felt right proud of ourselves. Then lightening struck! Yet another idea!!!! We returned 10 minutes later with a camera to take pictures of the mayhem. We left the 2nd time, and went to the gas station to get some drinks. Then ANOTHER idea hit us! EGGS! Again, we didn’t do anything horrible. We just smashed the eggs IN the carton, and left the carton open on the front porch in front of the door. We also rubbed egg yolks all over our hands and made hand prints on the door, because we’re mature that way. Then trouble struck….

That time we saw a shadow cross the doorway (while our hands were in the act) and we HIGHTAILED it like NOBODY’S business. I almost fell trying to run down the hill (their yard is slanted), my pants fell down, AND a roll of tape I had in my waist band ended up stuck to my butt. Niiiicccce. My friend ran the other way, AWAY from the getaway car. I had already decided I’d sacrifice her to save myself. After all, I could always return to get her later!

We finally left and headed home. I loaded all the pictures on Facebook in the wee midnight hours, and we waited. Nothing. We just *knew* we’d get a hate call this morning, and would go back over and clean up. Nothing. Numerous phone calls to their cells and home, still nothing. A bazillion text messages and Facebook posts, and again…nothing. Then my friend drove past their house and saw the mess had already been taken care of. A bit later she was driving around again and even passed them on the road, waving and smiling. No response. Just ignored her and drove away. After that we felt slightly bad, especially after I found out the victim’s mother would be coming in today for the Easter weekend.

So what did we do? Send stupid flowers with a card that said, “We are sorry, but not too sorry. Signed – The Instigators”.

Look, it could’ve been WAY worse:

1. We could’ve thrown the toilet paper UP in the tree branches. Instead we just wrapped it around the trunks.

2. We could’ve wet the toilet paper after wrapping the stuff, making it that much harder to get rid of. Nearly impossible.

3. When professionals fork a house, they put them in random spots all over the yard so you’re finding them for weeks. We took the time, and care, to put them in a straight line leading from the getaway car to the door, and then made an extra “v”. Nothing over the top.

4. Lastly, we could’ve done WAY worse with the egg business. Instead we left them neatly tucked in their carton, albeit slightly damaged…and only left handprints on the door. We didn’t smash them about on their house like they were going out of style. A note was even left on the kitchen window from Jesus and Us (because Jesus IS always with us, right?) that said “Jesus was here, and so were we.”

Today is Good Friday, the day that Jesus was hung on the cross and laid in the tomb. Everyone who’s anyone knows the story…that Jesus rose from the dead on the 3rd day, and FORGAVE all those morons who did horrible things to Him. He died so that we could be forgiven and saved. ‘Nuff said. Praise be to God!!!!