Saturday, July 31, 2010

I once was blind, but now I see!

The trouble with waiting a coon’s age to write between blog entries, is forgetting all the insanity that happens. I’ve sat here on the couch for the last hour trying to recall everything, and let’s face it…I might as well be trying to fit in size 6 britches: with some friends, duct tape, butter, and the help of the Good Lord, it just *might* happen.

The most recent mayhem ensued when I had temporary blindness. At the immediate time, it wasn’t funny….but it’s *slightly* funny now that I think about it, and know for a fact I’m not going blind. I wear contacts, and for the last few days my eyes were burning, watering, and light-sensitive. Three days ago I was hit with the ingenious idea to do something radical…and take them out. When I took them out I was surprised it didn’t solve the problem, but instead got worse. By the time I left work Thursday afternoon, they were hurtin’ pretty good.

I drove to Planet Beach to get my fake tan, and the pain was getting worse. The important thing about a Mystic Tan is that you don’t get wet for at least 6 hours afterwards, and preferably overnight. I damn near started a new trend when my eyes started pouring water, making white streaks down my face, where the tears were washing the tan-stuff away. Had I not wiped my face off with a wet towel, I’d still be sporting a Tony the Tiger look today.

I tried to wait at the salon for a bit to see if sitting in a dark room, with sunglasses on, would help. Nope. It was worse. Eventually reinforcements were called in. About 30 minutes later my Mom picked me up from the salon, and took me straight to the ER. There’s no need to remind you how smart of an individual I can be, at times, so I was *certain* I was going blind. I couldn’t open them, unless they were pulled open….and even then I couldn’t see.

I’m a person that uses humor (hey, at least *I* think I’m funny, and since *I’m* the only person that knows anything, I’m right) to diffuse any situation. This time was no different. About the time I said something to my mother about hoping I had a hot doctor…and then becoming disappointed when I realized it was pointless since I wouldn’t be able to see him…I heard a voice say, “Hi. I’m Dr. Klingenberg. You’re husband is Byron?” I just *ass*umed he read that on my chart. A short time later I learned he’s one of Byron’s students from jiu-jitsu! Lovely. Already made a large ass of myself (for pain-related reasons, and from my natural personality) to find out he’s friends with my husband. Fortunately if I see him out in public I won’t recognize him, since I *still* don’t know what he looks like. On a side note I had the best nurse EVAH…who happens to be dating a guy I go to church with, and we’re all friends. It? Was wondrous.

We got down to the eye bid’ness, and numerous fun things started up – like putting lemon juice in my eyes. Okay, so it *may* not have been lemon juice, but it *totally* felt that way. I had all sorts of eye exams, and the last one was the best. It included putting rubbery extra-large contact-ey-thingies (yes, Know-it-all, that *is* the correct technical term) that were connected to bags of saline, and I had 1 liter of saline flushed over each eye.

That was extra fun because it soaked my entire shirt with saline was as well, so I? Was stylin’ *and* profiling in my *favorite* red heels, best jeans, and? A hospital gown.

After numerous tests, medications, and papers, I was released with instructions to see an Ophthalmologist the next day.

I should add that – as noted above – I was wearing my favorite red rockin’ modern-Dorothy shoes by a *fab’lous* Mr. Giani Bini. I honestly got more compliments on those shoes, from people of ALL walks of life, that night, than I’ve gotten in Y.E.A.R.S. You need some too. I’m just sayin’.

Long, long, long, long, LONG story shorter. I saw the professional-eye-dude the next day.

Diagnosis? When I recently put in new contacts, I had an allergic reaction. This caused rough bumps to form on the underside of each eyelid. Not knowing this, I took the contacts out to make things more comfortable. It *actually* made it worse, because then the bumps scratched the corneas on each eye. The scratches got infected, and voila! Eye issues.

The eyes are on the mend now, with a few different meds, and I’m doing good…and now, a few thank-you’s:

Thank you Mom, Planet Beach people, Dr. Klingenberg, Carol’s Carol, everyone else, and most importantly:

Thank you Lord Jesus for helpin’ me out, again, even though I *totally* don’t deserve it. Thanks for showin’ me that ghetto-fab’lous AWESOME double-rainbow the day before, and letting me keep my sight. I once was blind, but now? I see, yo’.

Can I get an AMEN?! And now, some double-rainbow pics and videos for your viewing pleasure.