I (almost didn't) DOMINATE, YO.

You know that moment...when you're waking, wishing whatever kid with their foot shoved up under your rear would remove it….or at least have the *decency* to take their scratchy socks off their feet.....or, remove stickers (from previous sticker-overdose)…. even shave, perhaps? But wait....shave? It could only be one of my children, and none of them shave. Except for Q – who’s 15 – and if *his* foot is up under my butt while sleeping? We have FAR bigger issues.

Only *2* hairs? When was the last time their foot was 1"x2”? In utero? A foot that seemed to be struggling, wiggling ... it *IS* a foot...RIGHT?! Suddenly the thought crept into my mind….WHAT in the holy monkey piss is up under my bid’ness, yo?! Somebody call for back-up, SpecOps, NARCs, NARC-Anon’s, The Fab 5 (where *are* they these days?!), HELP!!!!!!

Now that I mention it, go ahead and call for paramedics. There *seems* to be a head-sized hole in my bedroom ceiling. Then again, maybe that’s just a dent in the ceiling….and the hole’s in my head.

I *knew* I should’ve been a high-jumper!!! We could’ve been living the high-life off the money made from my superb, nay – SUPREME – high-jumping skills. I’d have commercials, promo deals for Nike and Gatorade, my face would be on the box of Wheaties…..oh! The things I would’ve *loved* to know long ago. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be…..

*The* MOST GINORMOUS DEVILBUG (waterbug) in the HISTORY OF MAN just tried to EAT ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!! He could’ve had the integrity to cook me first. I know I went off and broke my dermis or something important….what’s it called? Your spatula? Spectrum? Speculum? (Wait, I’ve heard that somewhere before……) Sternum! That’s what I broke, when my head hit the ceiling and my body bent in unnatural positions.

Insects? Sure. Snakes? Love 'em. Had a 6-footer named Rutherford. Skydiving? Of *course*. WATERBUGS?! Suck it!

Note to Waterbugs: Remember the fate of the pinetrees, dude. I won. Both times. They might’ve had me looking trashy for a hot second, but I? DOMINATED.

Day Two in Hades

This was a good day, overall, thinking back on it now. Nope, cancel that.

We (as in me, Peabody, CoolTeen, Smartie, Cookie, Freak, Bestie and SweetPea) all loaded up and went to a mall, where they had a toy train exhibit. They were running everywhere – over your head, through your legs…you get it. Like some train monster vomited in there. The train monster also vomited the city of Dallas and surrounding areas in there too. It was pretty neat, complete with little playgrounds and creepy little kids on swings that were an inch tall. Neat, but you couldn’t get me to spend the night there.

After the fun with trains, we window shopped stores I couldn’t afford to step foot in. CoolTeen drove me nuts the entire time thinking we were going to fall off the 2nd level, so he kept pushing me away from the sides. At least he’s considerate sometimes! Smartie had a nervous breakdown and wouldn’t walk at all without screaming, and holding onto my leg for dear life. Not because of the level, but because the floor was some sort of marble-y stuff, and she could see the reflection of the ceiling on it. Try walking through the mall with a 25 pounder, an 11-year old pushing you, and a 3-going-on-4-UFC-Wrestler at your butt and it’s difficult. I should’ve won an award for the delicate way I handled things. Yes, I did use “I” and “delicate” in the same sentence. Get over it. I can be delicate. Really. Delicate like a water buffalo.

Later, in the bat cave, I was parading through the house when the blasted ottoman jumped right in front of me, and tried to bite off my toe. I saw my life flash before my eyes. This was the first of three times that happened this night (the whole flashing-life-scenes thing). The second time was when I bent down to do something unimportant, and when I stood up, a wall decoration consisting of a candle, glass, and wrought iron, tried to impale my skull. Stupid wall decoration…didn’t it know it wouldn’t be successful?!?!?!?! I came away unscathed pretty much…just a dent in the ol’ noggin.The third time my life flashed before my eyes was because of Smartie. Apparently she was trying to get the dog from behind the couch. Failing, she instead decided to knock over a flipping table that may as well have been made of diamonds…wait, not diamonds…they don’t break….may as well have been made of Waterford crystal, that also happened to have numerous other valuable things on it (i.e. lamp, glass tray, geode bookends, my last will and testament). Everything tumbled, everyone yelled, Bestie cussed, I cussed, heck…Smartie probably cussed. She got spanked, put in time out, and somehow…only by the grace of our Lord and Savior, only a mug broke. It was a miracle!

Peabody left later that evening so he could go to work on Monday. And Monday my dear, is another story.