On my way to the looney bin

It should’ve been simple enough. I was thinking about something along these lines:

“Kids, it’s time to go to VBS! Everyone get in the car. Let’s go have some fun!”

But, alas! It was not meant to be. Flipping figures.

Today was technically my first day unemployed. Of course, everyone *knows* that’s complete b.s. There will NEVER be a day when I’m actually unemployed…*ahem* thank you, four children and husband, who INSISTS on acting like one of the children most days….especially TODAY when I needed him to act like a husband, but oooooooohhhhh no. The stars were NOT aligned in the heavens for me today. I tempted Fate, and that byotch took the bait and ran with it.

I woke up after a nice, long – and might I add *well-deserved* – nap. Stretched, exhaled, and surveyed my kingdom. All was well. Looked at the clock and saw that I had around an hour to get myself and the kids ready before heading to church. Took a shower, still feeling pretty pleased with my control over the situation, and then the Children’s Director called. “Hey! I was just calling to remind you to bring the crocodile, tablecloths, pom-poms and sandwiches. Oh – and you have less than an hour to be here.” Well piss. I forgot ALL about that crap. (In my defense, I’ve been suffering from *severe* short-term memory for the last year or so. She, along with a few others, told me NUMEROUS times yesterday to bring these items. And then they reminded me on Facebook. And reminded me yet again today with emails and phone calls.)

I immediately went into Panic Mode, running around putting lipstick on with one hand, and slapping kids teeth out with the other. My real problem began when I asked Byron for help. It’s odd to me how he’s sick when I ask him to do something. This week, for instance. He was sick for 2 days, then recovered for jiu-jitsu in Dallas on Thursday. He was “sick” again Friday, then better to go to jiu-jitsu Saturday. Fine Sunday, and somehow sick AGAIN this evening when I asked him to get up off his butt and help get kids out the door. You would’ve thought that death was imminent when I mentioned I might leave Duke with him to give me a few extra minutes to do other things, and he could drop him off at my Mom’s when he went to TEACH JIU-JITSU. Notice a pattern here? Most days, fine. Ask him to do something? He’s practically got cholera. (*Disclaimer: He did actually put a onesie on Duke, AND put him in his car seat.)

I’m stomping around, yelling, herding children, just trying to get out the door. Byron eventually offers to keep Duke, but only after I’ve threatened to trash the thing that gives him life. The yin to his yang. The good to his evil. The woman to his man. X-Box 360 game UFC 2009 Undisputed. Instead I tell him *where* he can put his stupid game, and proceed to choke while attempting to yell obscenities.

FINALLY all the kids are in the car, I hop in, and……THERE ARE NO KEYS!!!! NONE! WHAT IN THE SAM HILL?!!?!!!??! Let’s just say it took 20 minutes of searching to find them….in….the……freezer. Thank you, Violet. Or maybe it was Byron, since I think he secretly *likes* hearing me complain. He’s sick in the head that way.

By this time I’m sweating, my head hurts, and I’m REALLY pissed off. Flying down the road 90-to-nothing, and then I see a lone crocodile sailing through the air. It was too late to go back and get him. Earlier I had tied him to the top of the car with a bread tie, got side tracked, and forgot to tie down his other leg. The croc was a prop for VBS. Oh well. It was for the good of the team.

Could I make it to VBS with 3 of the 4 items required of me? Nope. 2 of the 4? More like it. Hey – 50% ain’t bad. By the time I got to VBS, 20 minutes late, dragging 3 children…I had come to the realization that I left the sandwiches at home, risked jail time by leaving kids in the car running (with the door locked) while making a dash for more bread and ham, AND forgot the tablecloths.

Think next time….I’ll just stay home instead. Then again, next time? Happens this afternoon. Think I can make it?

What was I thinking? (06.24.08)

I ask this question numerous times a day. Obviously, I’m a “do” first, and “think” later. Usually this works well for me. I couldn’t wait to get back to work…back into my “normal” schedule of dropping off the kids and heading to the office. Everyone had other plans for my day.

I just happened to remember that I *volunteered!* (WWIT?) to be a group leader for Vacation Bible School, which started Monday. Fine. I guess. Until I listened to my answering machine, and realized CoolTeen was supposed to get braces Monday morning; AND that Cookie needed to go to Mother’s Day Out in White Oak; AND talked to my Mom only to hear she didn’t have a car to help out with that day. HO-LEE PISS! Are you kidding me? Figures.

I canceled CoolTeen’s appointment, dropped Cookie off, and headed back with Smartie to VBS, where I could start my group-leading efforts. Smartie decided to have a nervous breakdown, and screamed for a solid 30 minutes about ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOTHING! After agreeing to let her wear her goggles all day, she finally shut up. About 15 minutes later, a teacher called and said Cookie was having an asthma attack, and there was no rescue inhaler to be found. Great. Just great!

I leave VBS, pick up Cookie for a breathing treatment, and instead decide to run her to the doctor. After a shot of steroids and 3 breathing treatments, she was better. I got back to the office around 1, and got NOTHING accomplished the rest of the afternoon.After I got home it wasn’t much better. Cookie didn’t feel well and whined a lot.

Later, in the bat-cave (insert schwwaaauuuu spaceship warp sound here)…I was in the bathroom when my Mom ran in with Cookie & Vomit! Vomit isn’t the name of the dog, lol…but it was all over my Mom: jeans, shirt, etc. and Cookie too.You want to know how my evening ended? By thinking I had an internal injury when the whole “womanly” thing happened. I know you can probably sleep a lot better tonight knowing that, but I haven’t had that happen in FOREVER. Like since Cookie was born. BLECK is all I can say. No wonder I hate pretty much everything I see right now…I was just beginning to think it was my lovely personality.

Oh, and on top of all that kid stuff at the top - I'm asking for more next month! Since CoolTeen's in the youth group at church, church camp (6 days), and Big House (3 days). It's a good think I don't have much hair right now...maybe people won't be able to tell as much when it all falls out.