Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Why didn’t I just avert my eyes?!

There are some things you just *can’t* un-see, forever engrained in your mind, *even* if you have short-term memory. They generally pop in your mind in unexpected moments. You’re driving along & rockin’ out to Rollercoaster of Love like nobody even has *bid’ness* doing, and ….WHAM! You’re taken back to the time you jerked the door open to your parents’ room and WERE SCARRED FOR LIFE.

Perhaps you’re (doing your damnedest) trying to actually *taste* the food the waitress has just served, while your kids are squirting cherry tomatoes in people’s hair, and SMACK! It’s 3 a.m. and you’re standing in line behind a Walmartian wearing a glittery red thong underneath his white tights, furry man legs and ‘shoes that are *just* killing her’. HOLY MONKEY PISS. (But those shoes were *totally* cute.)

I had another such moment last Friday, one that has permanently stained my brain, and I throw up in my mouth each time it comes to mind. One thing I never thought I’d see, or wanted to see. WHY?! WHY didn’t I *just* AVERT MY EYES?!?!?!?! ? I think I need electro-shock therapy, copious amounts of alcohol, a lobotomy, a 15th concussion, water-boarding……something, *ANYTHING* to take the image out of my head.

I hate to even recount the story, but for the sake of others, and the hopes that it NEVER happens to them, I’ll do it.

Allllllllll I was *going* to do was ‘fix’ Byron’s temporary phone so it didn’t have a passcode on it. He’s about as technologically savvy as a yodeling camel, so I figured I’d mark it off the list as my ‘Being the Best Wife EVAH’ task of the day. Next time? Forget it. I’ll keep my snarky attitude, thank you very much.

Did I mention it was his temporary phone? A phone that had previously belonged to Quentin? Like, oh I don’t know….say, a month ago?

I got the passcode fixed up in no time, because I *am* a genius. Thought I’d go above and beyond my ‘Best Ever’ wifely call of duty, and change the lame-o funkified water-bottle background pic Q had put up. I might as well have made lobster and filet mignon!

I scrolled through pics of a car engine, family, a pasture….and then….Why in the HELL is there a PICTURE OF A WANG on BYRON’S PHONE?! I yelled something random, just being shocked that it was barely 9 am, I was watching Team Oomi Zoomi with the kids, and had already looked at porn. C’mon, guys. I usually wait until at *least* 10 am before doing that. I started hitting buttons trying to delete it, and got more panicked as Violet ran over asking “What is it? I wanna see! Is it something scary?!” Oooooooh you have *no* idea.

Instead of deleting it, whatever button I clicked just turned the image view from profile to landscape. Fabulous. I covered the pic with my hand so I didn’t have to be disturbed by the “what if” thoughts plaguing my mind. I left the bottom border exposed – where NO FLESH was showing - so I could see if the pic was *actually* deleted before I removed my hand……and that’s when my head fell off and I vomited from my shoulders. No, really. That’s exactly what happened.

The floor? Yeah, it was showing in the bottom of the picture. That was BYRON’S bathroom floor. That was NOT Byron’s bid’ness. ……. Upon further interrogation and investigation, Byron found out that ‘it’? Belonged to Quentin. I only *wish* I could insert vomit-uous noises here.

It seems that Quentin was *so* impressed with himself, he just *had* to take a photograph! For his AOL icon? Sexting? Posterity? No matter the pointless reason, he may as well have been drawn and quartered, because he’s had the ever-lovin’ tar beat out of him, and has been scared beyond ALL belief for the legal repercussions for possible ‘sexting’.

Although I know he’s fully recovered and likely forgotten, I – my friends – have not. MEDS!!!!!

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