Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Interpreter needed for 2 year old.


ORIGINAL STATEMENT:

Bi-wet Bi-dell. Bi-wet Bi-dell. Hwo. Hwo Dah-dee. Un tahk uh mommy. Ah see a muntan. Ee you momma. Ee you! Ah cwomb you ike ah muntan. Woooah.

INTERPRETATION:

Violet Adele. Violet Adele. Hello. Hello Daddy. I talk to Mommy. I see a mountain. It's you momma! It's you! I climb you like a mountain. Wooooah. Does wonders for my self esteem.

MOMMY's RESPONSE:

So I'm a mountain, huh? Sounds like somebody doesn't wanna eat tonight.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

HOW is this possible?

Saturday, April 18th:

Crawfish boil and Violet's *bonk* bed incident. E.R. trip. No broken bones.

Sunday, April 19th:

Call from E.R. They *think* she's got a broken nose. Not positive. Suggested taking her to family doctor.

Monday, April 20th:

Violet to family doctor. Yep, a broken nose. And a broken cheek. Sent to specialist that afternoon.

Tuesday, April 21st:

Trip to lame-o GSMC for a sedated Cat Scan, only for the stupid nurse to tell me she doesn't *do* sedatation. What in the piss? I came here...why?

Wednesay, April 22nd:

Trip to Open Imaging for 2nd attempted scan. Violet had 2 adult doses of a sedative, and neither worked. Mummy wrapped her like a burrito, and got the needed pictures. Broken nose, both cheeks broken. No surgery needed.

Thursday, April 23rd:

Took Gracelyn to GSMC for a sedated cat scan/MRI. Wait. Have I heard this somewhere before? Got some super-cool versed meds, and she got funny. Sucessful test. No surgery needed.

Friday, April 24th:

Duke's turn for a doctor visit. Swollen groin. Doctor sent us to Open Imaging again (those people LOVE me). Bowels in the balls. Now we all KNOW that's not natural. Send to Children's Hospital in Dallas.

Saturday, April 25th:

Duke's hernia surgery successful!

Sunday, April 26th:

Discharged from Children's. Nice trip home. Pick up our other heathen children. Insanity ensues.

Modnay, April 27th:

How 'bout a nice speeding ticket? Thanks a lot, Christina Aguilera!

TODAY: Tuesday, April 28th:

Mental institute in Terrell, anyone?

Monday, April 20, 2009

And *that's* why I'm Mother Of The Year!

What would a weekend be without crawfish, a potato cannon, flying lessons, a trip to the E.R., and a broken nose? Not a whole heck of a lot. Let me just say…if YOU aren’t experiencing these things regularly, then you must be not be *living*.

Life Lesson #1: Throughout my life, I’ve experienced TONS of exciting, dangerous, and just plain stupid things. Let’s see. Running parent’s car off a bridge? Check. Getting arthroscopic surgery because of injury sustained while TP’ing someone’s house? You know it. Walked runways in Paris? Okay…not exactly. More like 1 in Los Angeles. Skydiving? Owned it like nobody’s business. But the joy, nay – complete fulfillment, from a potato cannon? Never…until yesterday. I’ve now come to the decision that potato cannon should be marketed and sold as a weapon of mass destruction fun for the whole family! Unfortunately I didn’t get ANY pictures of the potato-shooting mayhem that followed, but I will soon enough. I foresee Byron and I spending an afternoon showing our love for one another by making personalized cannons.

Life Lesson #2: Friends are fun. Crawfish is yummy. Mix the 2 together, and you’ve got a recipe for good times. And good times were had by all. I can’t remember the exact amount, but Jason cooked up a good 30+ pounds of those critters with some taters, onions, and corn, and OH MY….*cue* heavenly aroma. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH YUM. The only thing I’d change in future “crawfish fests” would be to wear PPE…personal protective equipment….because when someone cooks them correctly, they’re HOT. Everything burns…eyes, ears, nose, mouth, lips, and KNUCKLES. Apparently when your hands are already dry (and in desperate need for lotion)…and you use crawfish seasoning for said lotion…madness ensues. I’ve never been in such pain in my life (except for the c-sections. and a few boob jobs. And the time I got my finger stuck in the toilet paper dispenser. Or the time I superglued my eyelid to my eyeball….I digress).


Life Lesson #3: Kids will be kids. They *don’t* need encouragement from parents to jump off objects from 5 feet in the air, say…like….bunk beds. This same adult doesn’t need to show the kids what SUPER COOL action shots they could take on the camera while doing such stunts., and how the parent should probably consider a side business of taking action shots for sporting events. (But I *so* could do that as a side job!) Finally the good parent comes to her senses, calms the children down for a group photo, and advises everyone to do the “smart thing” and get down off the bed. Everyone follows directions well, except for 2 year old Violet, who decides she wants to test out her kamikaze acrobat skills and does a nosedive off the bed….falling, flailing, and landing on her FACE and an angle such that should’ve broken her neck. Honestly. *Cue* crying, screaming, snake-like-not-bulging-from-forehead, and blood from nose. I suddenly decided to be the good mother and grab her up to soothe her, run her over to Byron so he can be equally appalled and horrified, only to hear him say, “Holy crap! She looks like a Klingon!” Really? Our child was near death, and she looks like a Klingon? (Other nicknames thought of later in the evening were Cyclops, Triceratops and Cromagnon Man). After a frantic trip to the E.R., it was discovered that nothing was broken…just nice and bruised. (Or so we thought! Another blog will detail the new news of broken nose, broken cheek, and concussion. Yep, we like to do it right!)

My ingenious brain has suddenly just stopped working, and now I can’t think of any other way to end this post than to just end it. So suck on that.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

She makes her mother proud....

Overheard Gracelyn playing school in the garage....

Quote of the Day: "Ok, Bessie. You better stay in that room and go to sleep. It's nap time, and me and Miss Summer will be out in the hall talking. No it's not fair, but that's what we do at school. And if I hear you, I'll have to take to you to the principal, and he'll hit you with a stick, and then all hell will break loose."

I'm thinking she'll make a *perfect* teacher one day!



Friday, April 10, 2009

Payback's hell.

Ahhh, maturity. It takes longer to develop in some of us. In others, we mature quickly, only to relapse when we hit our 30-somethings. That’s the case for myself (VERY mature mother of 4, and church secretary), and some of the other *wonderful special fabulous* workers at Mother’s Day Out.Yesterday, after all the insane children were napping from the Easter Party fun, some teachers wondered what they’d do with the additional confetti filled Easter eggs. A while later a plan was concocted to smash said eggs in the car of another *super* MDO teacher. Hey, it was completely fair game…the car was unlocked! Although I wasn’t specifically involved in this “attack”, I did take pictures of the aftermath for fun. Wait…don’t go just yet. Look at the pictures below, and then keep reading.








The day went on. I stayed late at the office working on stuff for the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services. Then we attended the Maundy Thursday service, went home, got kids to bed, and relaxed. I hopped online and rehashed the days’ activities with a friend. We got to talking about how we’d like to work as a team to pull a prank on yet another innocent bystander. Then we figured ‘why pick on the innocent’? Let’s get someone who needs to be messed with…say, like the Pastor? He’d gotten each one of us with different pranks here and there over the last few weeks (April Fools, etc.) and we came to the decision that payback was necessary.



An hour later, say 11 p.m.-ish, I was on my way to pick up my friend. We had the car loaded with toilet paper and plastic forks, because that’s how we roll. I must say we did a heck of a job….but didn’t go too overboard. This IS Good Friday, after all. We left shortly thereafter, and felt right proud of ourselves. Then lightening struck! Yet another idea!!!! We returned 10 minutes later with a camera to take pictures of the mayhem. We left the 2nd time, and went to the gas station to get some drinks. Then ANOTHER idea hit us! EGGS! Again, we didn’t do anything horrible. We just smashed the eggs IN the carton, and left the carton open on the front porch in front of the door. We also rubbed egg yolks all over our hands and made hand prints on the door, because we’re mature that way. Then trouble struck….



That time we saw a shadow cross the doorway (while our hands were in the act) and we HIGHTAILED it like NOBODY’S business. I almost fell trying to run down the hill (their yard is slanted), my pants fell down, AND a roll of tape I had in my waist band ended up stuck to my butt. Niiiicccce. My friend ran the other way, AWAY from the getaway car. I had already decided I’d sacrifice her to save myself. After all, I could always return to get her later!



We finally left and headed home. I loaded all the pictures on Facebook in the wee midnight hours, and we waited. Nothing. We just *knew* we’d get a hate call this morning, and would go back over and clean up. Nothing. Numerous phone calls to their cells and home, still nothing. A bazillion text messages and Facebook posts, and again…nothing. Then my friend drove past their house and saw the mess had already been taken care of. A bit later she was driving around again and even passed them on the road, waving and smiling. No response. Just ignored her and drove away. After that we felt slightly bad, especially after I found out the victim’s mother would be coming in today for the Easter weekend.



So what did we do? Send stupid flowers with a card that said, “We are sorry, but not too sorry. Signed – The Instigators”.



Look, it could’ve been WAY worse:


1. We could’ve thrown the toilet paper UP in the tree branches. Instead we just wrapped it around the trunks.


2. We could’ve wet the toilet paper after wrapping the stuff, making it that much harder to get rid of. Nearly impossible.


3. When professionals fork a house, they put them in random spots all over the yard so you’re finding them for weeks. We took the time, and care, to put them in a straight line leading from the getaway car to the door, and then made an extra “v”. Nothing over the top.


4. Lastly, we could’ve done WAY worse with the egg business. Instead we left them neatly tucked in their carton, albeit slightly damaged…and only left handprints on the door. We didn’t smash them about on their house like they were going out of style. A note was even left on the kitchen window from Jesus and Us (because Jesus IS always with us, right?) that said “Jesus was here, and so were we.”



Today is Good Friday, the day that Jesus was hung on the cross and laid in the tomb. Everyone who’s anyone knows the story…that Jesus rose from the dead on the 3rd day, and FORGAVE all those morons who did horrible things to Him. He died so that we could be forgiven and saved. ‘Nuff said. Praise be to God!!!!