Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Cookie Got Spit-Faced

Saturday night I was ready for a fun-filled trip to Roadhouse. I really knew there wouldn’t be much fun involved, but I was ready for a nice medium-rare filet mignon. My favorite. Yum…I can still taste it. But next time, IF there IS a next time, it will be a childless, or take-out, visit.

We invited my parents to come along, and set out for Roadhouse. I did the responsible thing and called ahead for our party of 7, at least a good 30 minutes early. I expected to have to wait an additional 15 minutes or so, but that was it. I DID NOT expect the rest of the evening to turn out like it did.

We waited outside for quite a while, and I was happy that the weather at least was working in our favor, blowing a cool breeze. And then all hell broke loose. Peabody had been playing with Cookie, and suddenly said, “Mommy, Cookie made a present for you.” (Code for Cookie took a dump.) After debating my options (going to the restaurant bathroom, or to one of the cars) I decided to go to my parent’s car to change her. I took off the dirty diaper, and didn’t fold it all the way up like I usually do. I set it in the car seat while I finished getting the new diaper on. One strap, done! Second strap, not so fast! Cookie grabs the tab of the dirty diaper and jerks it hard. The diaper, crap and all, landed on her FACE. EWWWWWWW!!!!!! This being the first time I’ve seen actual crap on my daughter’s face, I was dumbstruck as to what to do. I pulled the diaper away from her face, and still couldn’t see her eyes. There was crap all over them. Not to go too much into details, but it had a bit of consistency…not too much, but just enough to let most of roll in the floorboard. I was cussing, gagging, yelling, etc. making sure the world knew I was trying my hardest to sound all white trash out in the parking lot. I brushed it out of her face, got her all situated (did I mention I didn’t have any more wipees?!?!?!) and began picking it out of the floor.

There was no console light in the middle of my dad’s car, so I had to blindly feel around for crap. Imagine how fun THAT was! It was all smashed in my fingers, bleck. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I finally got it all cleaned up as best as I could, and attempted to lock and shut the door with my elbow. I stomped back up to Roadhouse with a diaper in one hand, and crap-girl in the other, and DARED anyone to even LOOK my direction. I dropped the diaper in the trashcan outside, and went to the inside restroom (where I should’ve gone in the first place!!! But hindsight’s 20/20, right?) to clean Cookie up a bit more.

There were 2 sinks (and soap & paper towel dispensers) and plenty of room, but some heifer hell-bent on looking beautiful decided the light would work best in her favor if she stood directly in the middle of the area, so there was NO WAY we could get in. I tried to squeeze in to wash my hands, and then Cookie’s. I was getting some anti-bacterial foam to put on her face when I noticed there was crap in one of her antennae! At this time I REALLY needed the height of the sink area to raise her up (since I’m a pregnant hog and it’s hard for me to bend over that far) to pick it out of her hair. But would the other cow budge? Hell no. I want you to know that that stupid girl looked absolutely NO DIFFERENT when she walked out of that bathroom than when she went in 15 minutes before. But whatever. She even KNEW that I was trying to pick CRAP out of my child’s hair. But she didn’t move. Not even an inch. SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! UGLY FACE!!!! UGLY, HORRIBLE, WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I tried to get another small piece out, it would smash in her hair. I eventually had to put her head first under the faucet (after the heathen left) and wash it out that way. Finally, after 20 minutes of torture, we were both clean.

I took her back outside, gave her to Peabody, and marched back in to the hostess desk to ask how much longer we had. “Oh, it looks like the table you’ll be sitting at has another family there. They just got their food, so it shouldn’t be long. Maybe another 20-25 minutes.” NOT THAT LONG? 20-25 minutes, after we’ve WAITED 35 minutes, AND I DID CALL-AHEAD SEATING?!?!?!?!?! What in the sam hill?!?!?!?! I’m glad to know that this call-ahead seating they just rave about means about as much as a stick in the mud. Bastards.

After another period of wasted time (a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes after arriving) we got our table. I’d love to say the steak made it all worthwhile, and it may have made up for it slightly…….but that was all erased by the fact that some lunatic backed into my car while we were eating. And didn’t leave as much as a thank-you note. Suckers.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Half-eaten Shoes

Either the crickets have decided they’re not getting enough nutrition from my t-shirts, or I have a large mouse dragging my shoes off into uncharted territory. At least that’s what I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks. That all changed a few days ago when I noticed chunks of brown material scattered throughout the living room. I had no idea what it was. Then Cookie strolls in with her mouth full of brown stuff, spitting it everywhere, and I still had no idea what it was. Then I came across this:



No, it wasn’t crickets or mice, but my sweet baby girl, chewing my shoes into pieces. Does she have some sort of vitamin deficiency that she’s looking to replenish? I’d hate to think it would be found in my flip-flops of all places. How flipping nasty! On a good note, I think she’s built up her immune system.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Cookie tries so hard....

.....to get hurt.

Before I start on that, let me say I'm extremely pissed because I just typed this entire post, didn't save it, hit publish, and then it dis-a-freaking-peared. Figures! Since I suffer from severe short-term memory, let's see if I can remember what I wrote in the first place.

Extremely-close-to-Jesus moment #1:
The whole fam damily is in Sweetie's room doing 50 different things. I'm cleaning out the closet, kids are jumping on the bed, and Peabody's playing the piano. All is well in the world. Then Cookie forgets who she is, and assumes the identity of Spiderman long enough to put her sticky hands and feet on the window and climb a "step" or two. She turns around to see what the other kids are laughing about, and sticks her head right between the two strings that control the window blinds. She was there for all of 2 seconds before Peabody jumped up and set her free. (To do: buy blind-stringy-wind-up-thing for Cookie's protection.)

Extremely-close-to-Jesus moment #2:
About an hour later, we haven't moved much. I'm still cleaning out the closet, and Cookie is standing inside it opening and closing one of the doors (double sliding doors). Then genius decides to roll it over her foot. She immediately screams "Bee! Itsa bee!" (her remark for just about ANYTHING - when she sees a june bug, if she shows you a mosquito bite, an ouchie, anything. I sit down with her and then she her foot is covered with blood. Way to knock one out the park, Cookie! I get her cleaned up, and all is well for a little while.

Extremely-close-to-Jesus-and-a-cast moment #3:
That night, I'm helping TooCool with math homework. Cookie is sitting backwards in a chair at the table, singing and bouncing. Apparently she got a little too much bounce, and fell forward with the chair. No big deal, except her legs were stuck between the 2 wood panels on the back of the chair. I look down and see her legs all contorted. Doing what came logically, I jerked her out (wouldn't that have made it worse if they were broken?) and set her down to see if her legs still worked. She immediatley started hitting me and stomping for getting in her way. Guess she was fine.

And that, folks, is why I'm up for "Parent of the Year".

That took long enough!

So here I am today, finally getting my new blog online. I'm pissed that it's taken me this long (since August) to get it back up and running. I'm pissed that it has to be anonymous to keep everyone happy, and even more pissed that it takes so much time and thought to rename every flipping person in my household, and THEN to remember to call them their "new name" on the blog. I'm pissed that I haven't got to write anything new in a long while, and I hope I can remember most of the funny things that have happened since my last post. We'll see how it goes.

I'll get back to complaining, and with a new post, tomorrow! :)

Oh - and the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

WHAT did you say to me? (08.06.08)

You know them. You see them all the time. Oogie people. Just makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, or – if you’re like me, make you want to vomit. Yesterday I was in the local discount store, getting some crazy flying/screaming monkey toys for my boss’ kids. They’re all sick, and I figured they could fling them at each other, and inflict torture on their parents with all the screeching they do.

So I’m standing in line when I catch a whiff of, ahem..some nasty stuff. I immediately thought to myself at least this person reeking of stench behind me has been working, so I should quit being so hormonal and judgmental. And then he had to go ruin it by talking to me. The conversation when something like this:

Oogie: So, are those toys for your inner child?
Super-Perfect-Me: No. They’re for some sick kids.
Oogie: Not your kids I hope.
Super-Perfect-Me: No. My boss’s kids. (Note to self: Oogie – are you writing a freaking novel? Why the 50 questions?)
Oogie: Oh, by the way. Are those your real eyes?
Super-Perfect-Me: No. (If only you could see the ugly look about my face at this time.)
Oogie: Oh. I was going to say…if those are your real eyes, you might be a little devilish.
Super-Perfect-Me: Well, if you’re not careful, I can be. (Mustering the best “go to hell” look I have in my pocket)
Oogie: Oh c’mon now. There’s no way you could be a devil with such cute toes. (What in the SAM HILL? Did you just say something about my toes? You carnie-freak, why are you talking to me. About my toes?!?!?! BLECK. Can I vomit on you? What in the HELL are you thinking? Who says that? To a complete stranger no less? In a completely FREAKY strange way that makes you nauseous?

Now if you know me (or if you don’t) I’m not phased by too much these days. I’ve led an interesting life, and done some insane things…but to be able to “OOG” me out? You have to be pretty damn impressive with your “ooginess”.

I was sick as a dog the rest of the time in line, and just when I thought I get away without another word spoken between us, he says (with the flipping nastiest look on his face that I’ve ever seen) “You have fun with those toys of yours.” VOMIT.

That’s hoodoo for ya! (08.05.08)

Apparently Smartie is feeling neglected these days, although I don’t see how. She comes to work with me at some point every day (without her siblings). I haven’t been blatantly ignoring her, that I’m aware of. Guess she had other ideas.

In my house, I’m happy when the kids are quiet. Yes, I know in the back of my mind that they must be up to something, but I lie and tell myself they’re little angels. I checked in on Smartie in her room. She was coloring and watching a movie. Awesome! Cookie’s playing with Peabody. Check! CoolTeen’s in his room with his friend. 3 in a row. Woohoo!

I decided to make some chicken and vegetable soup – just what I’ve been craving lately. I know it’s been 100+ degrees every day in Texas, but I still wanted soup. Hey – I’m not making you eat it, so shove it.

Back to Smartie. I’m waiting for the soup to finish, and she strolls out with some scissors and hands them to Peabody. Unusual for her, since she lives to cut paper up in a billion pieces. Guess she was trying to hit a new high, and instead decided to mangle her hair. As you can imagine, lovely was the first word that came to my mind (right after holy hell). If she could’ve picked a more perfect way to cut it though, I’d be stunned. She actually did a pretty good job. She cut all the long bangs and hair on one side, so it looks like it’s layered. Fortunately she still has some hair left and looks decent.

Then I notice she’s not wearing underwear. That always leads to something good and decent, right? Not in my house. I’m informed that she was too busy cutting her hair to stop and get to the potty, so she just peed in place. Really? So nice of you. So polite. Where did you go to finishing school? Who has time to piss these days anyhow? Not me.The only thing she was lacking was a chicken foot, and she would’ve had a hoodoo gig set up.

Watch your chickens, people.

I don’t glow. I steam. (08.04.08)

What idiot ever said pregnant women glow must’ve been on crack, and some bad crack at that. I don’t flipping glow. Not even with 5 metric tons of bronzer!

Saturday night I thought I’d do things early, for once in my life, and I headed to Wal-Mart to buy CoolTeen’s school supplies. Who knows what I was thinking. Apparently I wasn’t thinking.The entire time I was there my pants kept falling down, even though I had the stupid, worthless belly band on. What a load of crap. Wasted $12 just so my pants could keep falling down. Great. Anyhow, I had a pen and list in the buggy, and thought Cookie would be content playing with them. Nope. Instead she wanted to play the fun game of “throw the damn pen down 500 times just to see mom have severe reflux problems”. Now THAT made her happy.

Might I add, whatever lame-o teacher made the school supply list for the 7th graders must be in cahoots with the Anti-christ, in a conspiracy against me. For instance, the list called for FOUR SMALL glue sticks. Did they sell packs of 4 small glue sticks? Don’t bet your life on it! 2 packs of Jumbo sticks (but they requested small), or 3 packs of small (and I wasn’t buying 6), but NOWHERE to be found were a pack of 4 small glue sticks. Evil people. I wanted to rip one out of another container so I could have the 4 small ones I needed. How about 12 fine-tipped washable markers. Nope. I settled for 10. Or even better, 3 70-page spiral notebooks. HOLY PISS! You’ve got to be kidding me! It’s a conspiracy, so don’t try to convince me otherwise. After finishing up the list as best as possible, I headed on to get more crap I needed. Little did I know…it would’ve been better if I’d just left at that point. But OH NO…I’m a glutton for punishment.

Some idiot hell bent on pushing me over the edge started sneezing. Not just once, twice, heck – even five or six times? Nope. TWENTY-FOUR! Because I counted! Because I have nothing better to complain about! Around Sneeze No. 12 I started huffing. Apparently he couldn’t hear my exasperation from the aisle over, so by the time Sneeze No. 19 happened I yelled to Cookie, “Holy s.P.i.t. Go outside and sneeze!” (Because surely he was sneezing on purpose, right? And I’m pretty sure he could’ve controlled whatever allergies he was having problems with, right?) WHO FREAKING SNEEZES 24 TIMES?!?!?!?! Nobody I want to be friends with, idiot.After venting my frustration, I breezed on to look at the Bissle Little Green cleaner. I really want one, which is unusual enough for me to “want” a cleaning product (since I’m allergic to cleaning). I’m checking it out, all proud at myself for being so “mature”. Right. Cookie could see right through me.

While I was looking at that, Cookie was on the other side of the buggy putting in three 15-packs of colored hangers. We got a few aisles over when she got pissed at me and threw a pack of hangers at me.That’s another thing I’m writing to the congressman about – who decided to put 1 measly little piece of cardboard on these hangers to hold them together? Before I could realize what was happening, the hangers flew threw the air, broke out of their “box” and landed all over the floor. As I bent down, cussing, and trying to pick them up, TWO MORE bunches of kamikaze hangers came at me. I was putting them in one side, and she was throwing them out the other. A Wal-Mart associate came through about that time, and gave me the look like “Oh, there’s another kid I’m going to have to clean up after.” That did it. I decided then and there I wouldn’t put them back in their packages…I was rebelling! I took a giant pile of multi-colored hangers and smashed them on top of a random clothes rack and left them there. Take that!

Eventually I’d had enough, so I drug my stupid cart up to the check out line. Waited a good 20 minutes at least. This is the FIRST time I ever opened a drink and chips while in the checkout line. I’ve seen other people do it, but it’s just something I haven’t done (on the very short list of stuff I’ve not done). That night it was an exception. Cookie wouldn’t shut up, and desperately wanted Cheetos. I was so thirsty, and the Dr. Pepper was calling my name. Hey – it was no margarita, but it would do. I polished that sucker off by the time we got to the cash register.

Guess what happened? KARMA HAPPENED. Did my check card work? Nope. How about the credit card? Uh, no. Because satan lives at Wal-Mart. I thought I had the problem figured out, so I went to another lane (at the return counter) and stood in line again. I told the girl how it was probably my fault for being so horrible the entire time at the store, and that I probably just needed to repent. She took my card, and I casually said, “If it doesn’t work this time, I’ll just smash it into a million pieces.” 30 seconds later…..I’m sorry, it didn’t accept it. “HOLY HELL! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” She looked at me and said softly, “What was that you said about repenting?” Ehx-cuse-meh? Please don’t be preaching to me (even though I just said the same thing 1 minute earlier.) My card finally worked for $2.33 for the drink and chips. Figures.And just think….I’ve got nearly 8 more glorious months of this.

Warning. Talk to me at your own risk….and if you’re extra sensitive, just don’t talk to me at all. I don’t want to be responsible for making you unhappy, crybaby. And if you still talk to me…well – you asked for it.

Guess what I did? (06.24.08)

You know it! It got knocked up. That's what I get for getting a "to remain nameless" tattoo on my ankle. Oh well - hindsight's 20/20, right?

For future reference for anyone, Depo and Yaz suck balls. Sure, I would've loved (most days) to have another kid, but not at this minute. Anywho - I can't look at it as anything other than a blessing, so whether YOU like or not, you'll have to deal with it, lol.

As it stands, I'm due on March 30th, which means this baby got "hooked up" around the first of July.This is the LAST of the Mohicans (or the Hast's). The day this baby is born, my womanly "makeup" will be cut, tied, burned, and donated to science. I don't ever want to see it again. The only way I'd EVER have any more children is if I won the lottery, and adopted some nannies. That's it. So there. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Vomit, Butter and Coffee.(06.23.08)

Vomit happened. I could’ve used butter. And then my butt ate coffee. All in the span of 15 minutes!

Last night on my way home, I decided to stop at Sonic to get my daily Java Chiller fix. A Java Chiller is like heaven in a cup, and cheaper than Joe Muggs or Star Bucks, so that’s an extra! CoolTeen and Cookie were along for the ride.I placed my order. Cookie was happy, yapping away. CoolTeen and I were making small talk. (I was being cool, as usual.) A hacking noise came from the back seat, and I realized Cookie was choking on something. I still haven’t figured out what it was, other than the most disgusting, clobbered milk EVER known to man. You know what I’m talking about. I pondered to myself whether I should let her “sit and simmer” until we got home; OR, risk taking her out of her seat to clean her up, and then scream, push and cuss for another 10 solid minutes trying to get her back IN her seat. Might I add that Cookie was not at all bothered by this vomity goodness. She was smiling, playing, and rubbing it in her hair.

I took all I could stand. Within 2 minutes, the stench had wafted to the front seat, and I decided to clean her up (for my own selfish reasons).I opened the door and realized I parked too close to the stupid ordering window. Did I re-park? Heck no. That would’ve taken more effort than I could muster.

Instead, I attempted to squeeze my voluptuous self out of the area smaller than the end of a ballpoint pen. This is where the butter would’ve been helpful. Seriously. I still have marks on myself where I successfully managed this feat.Did I mention I was sporting the most insane “hawk” you’ve ever witnessed in the history of man?!?!?! My faux-hawk was rocking like there was no tomorrow. I was just playing around at home, did one, and then forgot it was there. Oh I was getting props for my mad hair skills. I’m awesome.

ANYHOW….I get to the other side of the car when the car-hop-girl comes up with 3 chillers. I give them to CoolTeen and tell him to put them “somewhere” until I can finish with Cookie…FIGURING he’d hold one, and put one in each cup holder. Get Cookie all cleaned up, happy with myself, thinking it was way easier than it should’ve been. I go around to my side to get in the car again, and this time hold my breath and try to “do it fast and get it over with” (gee, how many times have I said that in my life!) I suck in, twist, and contort myself, and finally! Plop into the seat, where I had a very unusual feeling come about my butt. I jumped (if you can “jump” 6 inches in a car) thinking I’d been shot. My life flashed before my eyes. And then CoolTeen laughed. Terd. The Genius-To-Be-Called-CoolTeen actually had the idea (and followed through…that’s my boy!) to sit my chiller in my seat. Ehx-cuse-meh? I yelled some obscenities (of course all my windows were down, so I was playing the W.T. role perfectly) and then yelled at CoolTeen for sitting it there in the first place.Have you ever had a coffee enema? They do those, you know. Yesterday was my first one. I think in the future I’d like it to have a little less bite, and a bit of a warmer temperature.

Do you know what he had the gumption to tell me?! “Oh sorry, Mom. Next time I’ll tell them to reinforce the sides of the cup with steel!!!!”CoolTeen is now in a FADI coma (fist-and-drug induced).

Okay, I’m kidding – you crazy people and your non-having-sense-of-humor-beavers. Whatever.The one plus that came out of all of this is now I have a long-lasting coffee-scented seat. You couldn’t pay for one of those. I rock! Oh, and one more thing. By the time I got home and took off pants, my butt was dried.

This morning I went to take a shower. Peabody was in the bathroom and said “Did you crap in your pants or something?” Well OF COURSE I DID! No. “Are you sure,” he said, “because you have a fart stain on the back of your panties.” Really, bucko…that high? I wasn’t aware I’d had my fart-maker transplanted to top of my butt. Idiot.

You’ll cry like a 2 year old girl now. (06.22.08)

I would like to think I’m laid-back person for the most part, unless someone pisses me off. It’s not to say that I can’t be vicious if someone (my child) keeps messing with me. And don’t you DARE try to fling an object in my general direction, much less my head, or life as you know it…will be finished.

Yesterday afternoon me and the family were at church for our night of District Youth. Easy enough. Had a good time. We went to go pick up Cookie at my aunt’s house. CoolTeen had already mentioned he’d like to spend the night with Sharon. I told him he should come home since he had football practice at the butt-crack of dawn the following morning. He stood out in her front yard glaring at me, daring me to make him get in the car. Then he stomped over to my Grandma (his great-grandma), came back out and said “She said I could stay.” Didn’t matter to me. I’ve never heard her say no to anyone, so I told him to get his butt in the car, and we’d go down to meet Sharon at the store to get Cookie. He FINALLY got in, slammed the door, and began wailing like a 2 year old girl. I couldn’t do his “performance” justice with descriptive words, so I made a one-act play instead….titled “CoolTeen’s Song”.

I even laughed after it was over, just because he was being so stupid. I then made the comment about how I would’ve LOVED to have a video camera so I could record him, and then show it to all the kids at church, school, etc.

Then things got ugly.I’ll be damned if CoolTeen didn’t just pick up a random toy and throw it forwards, and smack me in the back of the head with it. Did it hurt? Nope. Was I pissed? Like you don’t even know. I was going all of 10 miles per hour when I whipped over to the side of the road, jerked open the back door, and proceeded to frog CoolTeen with the fist of fury. Mature of me? Oh sure it was. Let him hit you in the back of the head with something.Then I proceeded to tell him that when we made it home, he was going to get a butt-whooping like NO other. He told me he’d run. I told him I’d be waiting when he got tired.

I gave him 2 choices, being the excellent mother that I am. He could either go to his room and wait for me, and I’d give him 10 licks quickly; OR, he could run, and when he finally got back home, I’d still give him 10 licks…but very slowly, as hard as possible, and with a minute break between each one.

Do you know what he had the BALLS to ask me on the way home? If we could stop at Sonic? What? Were you just in the car five minutes ago when the deed went down, sucka? The smartest thing he did last night was go straight to his room.

From My Loving Father (06.21.08)

You may remember a few weeks ago when I got my Dad's car (actually my Dad's dad's car - he passed away) stuck in the mud, when I stopped to come to the rescue of a baby skunk. I waited a bit to tell Dad, because although I'm out of the house (and an age that's forever 29), had I told him at the actual time of the event, he would've been pissed. He thought otherwise. I got an email from him this morning:

My Darling Daughter;I Finally read your....ahhh..."Yo suckas" blog. While I will admit it made for entertaining reading, I did not agree with your saying I would have been pissed that you got my dads old Lincoln stuck by the road. Am very sure I would have commiserated with you over your misfortune, gently coaxed you into the correct way to get a heavy (tank?) car out of a slick situation, then wished you a well and safe journey! There is no way, having tried my best to teach you the correct way to handle a car in any situation, that I can even relate to your having been in such a spot. Well, other than the fact that your a lead footed, air-headed, soft hearted, bundle of nerves, on the verge of insanity, phone-cam toting mom that's just not well connected with your faculties. But are reasonably well adjusted other than that.

Your loving dad

Somtimes they look so sweet! (06.29.08)

And sometimes, they don't. You all know what I'm talking about....children. I had to come to work last night to finish up some things, and I had to bring the whole crew along.

After about 10 minutes of Cookie being "good", she decided she'd had enough of it, and refused to let me get anything accomplished. I had to call for reinforcements (i.e. Mom & Dad...a.k.a. DeeDee & PawPaw) to come get her. The only way Cookie would be quiet was if I took a picture of her and let her look at "the baby". Here's a few from our impromptu photo shoot:We even did a video of her naming her body parts (because she's a GENIUS!). Even funner was when she watched the playback, she had to rename her body parts with the baby on "TV". Or funnier to me, I guess.

Smartie & CoolTeen were being angelic. They ran upstairs to play. I couldn't them, so I figured they were being decent. Of course, I didn't get up to go see if they were being decent, but I just assumed. After Cookie left I started working, and heard something behind me. I turned around and let out a blood-curdling (sp?) scream. Apparently the full moon and sugar morphed my children into these:And no...I didn't get the placement of the pictures confused. Normally my children look like the ones at the top of the post, complete with fangs and drool. I left with two angels....God was smiling down on me!And then I woke up with a kidney stone this morning.
Apparently he has a sense of humor too!

I thought I was just going to go home…. (06.28.08)

....but am I ever “just” going somewhere, so simply? Not in my life.

It all started on a cold and rainy Monday afternoon….kidding. Sorry. Felt like starting a novel. After the hectic morning, followed by a few hours of leading a group of insane 5th & 6th graders at Vacation Bible School, I visited Mom and Dad for a while. I was getting ready to go home, and wouldn’t you know I could find the keys. Figures. This isn’t an unusual occurrence, so I thought after some praying, cussing, and repenting, I’d find ‘em. Wrong. After countless hours (minutes) searching, and coming to the decision that I didn’t want to waste money on Lock Doc, I decided to take my Dad’s car home. Oh yes….the tank called the Lincoln Towncar. I figured either my Mom would find the keys later, OR I’d find the first set I’d lost at home a few weeks before. I just wanted to go home and have a nice evening. Hey – we all have our wants, right?

I got on the road, had calmed down, and I was singing Rock Lobster at the top of my lungs. The girls were riding with me, and the world was good. They soon fell into a sweet slumber because my voice is so awesome. (There’s my other career….becoming the rock star I know I am and putting out a new version of Rock Lobster. For those of you unfortunate enough not to have heard it, give me call and I’ll serenade you. Really.) Actually they did fall asleep, and I was enjoying the silence.

I was about 3 miles away from home when I saw a “spot” in the middle of the road. Figuring it was a dead animal, I kept on driving. As I came closer, I realized it was alive, and it was a squirrel. Oh, I yelled out loud for the idiot to stay put so I wouldn’t hit it, and I think it heard me. Or it was just scared senseless (hey – happens to the best of us sometimes). I got about a mile on further down the road when I got to thinking that was the smallest squirrel I’d ever seen.

I just HAD to turn around and go see about it. Maybe it was a baby without a Mom! I couldn’t just leave it there! Maybe I ran over half of it and it was suffering! I couldn’t be so heartless as to finish the job off, but I could take it to the vet! Administer CPR? Lay hands on it and pray? I drove back and pulled to the side of the road, and the little critter was still sitting in the same spot, and the only thing I could tell was that it was shaking.I got a little closer, and then I realized what I was looking at. The cutest thing I’d ever laid eyes on in the last 30 seconds.

It was a baby alright….a baby skunk. Smaller than the palm of my hand! Ohhhhh….I didn’t care that it would grow up to be a rabies-carrying-stink-bomb, it was cute…and I have a mother’s heart. Sometimes. It was making a little chirping sound, and being the animal expert that I am, I figured it didn’t know how to use it’s squirter. And no, I didn’t get skunked. I got down on my hands and knees and starting making the same noise, “calling” it over into the grass. I couldn’t very well leave it to be run over by some idiot driving like a bat out of hell, or eaten by a stupid vulture. I needed to get it to safety. After it clumsily got to the grass (falling over just like a baby learning to walk) I decided to do what any mother would do. A photo shoot. (With the crappy cell phone camera).AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I “helped” it get to the safety of the forest, and decided to head on home. I did a 360 in the middle of the road, and then….got stuck. Oh yes. In my Dad’s Towncar. On the side of the road. In the mud. Because it had rained a bit before. AND the car was half in the ditch, and half in the road. The good long stretch where people drive really fast. Grrreeeeaaatttt. All because some stupid skunk couldn’t keep up with her lame-o kid and it had to go and look all helpless in the road. Moron. That’s the last time I stop for a skunk!

I didn’t want to call Peabody. He’d be mad as piss. I didn’t want to call my Dad. Same scenario. So I broke down and called Eddie, the ranch hand. I even lied and said the reason I pulled over in the first place was because Smartie had taken off her seatbelt. Way to go there, 30-year-old-mother-of-the-year! Lie about it! That ALWAYS makes things better. I was waiting for him to get there, and decided to attempt to get out of the ditch one more time. I succeeded! I put it in reverse, floored it, and that sucker flew across the road. Put it in drive, and I was on my way! Whew! What a day!

What. In. The. Sam. Hill. ?!?!?!? (06.25.08)

In case you haven’t received the memo yet, there’s a conspiracy against me. I’m sure of it. Little satellites in outer space plotting my every move, steadily changing every hair in my head silver, and sucking up every last ounce of sanity I have. Really. Oh I’m quite sure of it.

This morning I woke up to a dream…..it was just me and my girls snuggling and waking up to start the day. As I stretched and became more oriented (if that’s possible) I realized I wasn’t dreaming…it was a real. A really nice start to a really nice day.

Then I took a shower. After getting out I noticed Smartie with lipstick smeared all over her face and was smacked back into reality. A chase ensued and was going good until I stepped in something cold and gooey. I looked down to see what it was, but couldn’t focus. You need good eyes, contacts, or glasses to focus…and I didn’t have any of those working in my favor. It didn’t smell like much of anything, so I kept looking for Smartie. Instead I ran into Cookie, who had something smeared all over her eyes and cheeks, and was holding a little blue container. I wrestled it away from her to find that it was Avon eye cream. Lovely. All this happening less than 24 hours after my eventful car ride home the evening before.

What happened? Why, I thought you’d never ask!!!! (Another post to follow soon – we have to end with a cliff-hanger!!!!)

What was I thinking? (06.24.08)

I ask this question numerous times a day. Obviously, I’m a “do” first, and “think” later. Usually this works well for me. I couldn’t wait to get back to work…back into my “normal” schedule of dropping off the kids and heading to the office. Everyone had other plans for my day.

I just happened to remember that I *volunteered!* (WWIT?) to be a group leader for Vacation Bible School, which started Monday. Fine. I guess. Until I listened to my answering machine, and realized CoolTeen was supposed to get braces Monday morning; AND that Cookie needed to go to Mother’s Day Out in White Oak; AND talked to my Mom only to hear she didn’t have a car to help out with that day. HO-LEE PISS! Are you kidding me? Figures.

I canceled CoolTeen’s appointment, dropped Cookie off, and headed back with Smartie to VBS, where I could start my group-leading efforts. Smartie decided to have a nervous breakdown, and screamed for a solid 30 minutes about ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOTHING! After agreeing to let her wear her goggles all day, she finally shut up. About 15 minutes later, a teacher called and said Cookie was having an asthma attack, and there was no rescue inhaler to be found. Great. Just great!

I leave VBS, pick up Cookie for a breathing treatment, and instead decide to run her to the doctor. After a shot of steroids and 3 breathing treatments, she was better. I got back to the office around 1, and got NOTHING accomplished the rest of the afternoon.After I got home it wasn’t much better. Cookie didn’t feel well and whined a lot.

Later, in the bat-cave (insert schwwaaauuuu spaceship warp sound here)…I was in the bathroom when my Mom ran in with Cookie & Vomit! Vomit isn’t the name of the dog, lol…but it was all over my Mom: jeans, shirt, etc. and Cookie too.You want to know how my evening ended? By thinking I had an internal injury when the whole “womanly” thing happened. I know you can probably sleep a lot better tonight knowing that, but I haven’t had that happen in FOREVER. Like since Cookie was born. BLECK is all I can say. No wonder I hate pretty much everything I see right now…I was just beginning to think it was my lovely personality.

Oh, and on top of all that kid stuff at the top - I'm asking for more next month! Since CoolTeen's in the youth group at church, church camp (6 days), and Big House (3 days). It's a good think I don't have much hair right now...maybe people won't be able to tell as much when it all falls out.

And you call this a vacation?! (06.23.08)

Ahhh, vacations. For the stressed, a vacation is a relaxing time….my ideal vacation would be full of sand, sun, and margaritas….and minus, say...3 heathen children hell bent on making me work for my money. I might as well have taken up 2 or 3 extra jobs instead of “vacating”, because that’s what my vacation was all about. Work. And cussing. And pill-popping. And margaritas. Did I mention cussing?

We (i.e. 2 insane parents) decided to take our family to San Antonio for a fun weekend, to visit Sea World, the zoo, River Walk, all that good family stuff. San Antonio was…eventful, stressful, etc. In case you’ve forgotten their ages (hey—sometimes I can’t remember their names!), CoolTeen is 12, Smartie is 4, and Cookie is 1.5. They basically live to piss each other off.

Normally I have 2 back seat areas, but when packing for a family of 5, you have to smash all the kids together like sardines in one area. DAY ONE: About an hour down the road, I felt duct-tape calling my name. If you aren’t in the know, duct-tape LOVES children, especially bad ones!
The following is a staged pictured. This is no way represents real life. Ever. Unless being paid.

When the 2 older ones finally shut up (about 4.5 hours into the 5 hour trip), Cookie decided to have an asthma attack. We met our friends at their hotel, Cookie sucked back some albuterol and ‘roids, and all was well in the world. Or so I thought. That’s what I get for thinking! Idiot.

We went to the San Antonio zoo. Had I known how bad it would SUCK, I wouldn’t never wasted time fighting for parking spaces and being DEFEATED by some moustached-road-wench-and-her-tin-on-wheels, and THEN having to park flipping light years (a mile) away. It was at least 150 degrees outside. Even when scantily clad, ice water doesn’t knock the edge off. I was so desperate as to stand under the BIRD BATH! I didn’t care if it was shit-water, I needed something on my skin besides sun. Do you know what the highlight of the zoo trip was? Walking back to the car and finding that a fire-hydrant thing had exploded, making a river in the road!!! I jumped it in like a school-kid. It could’ve been full of elephant pee, and I’m pretty sure I would’ve jumped it in anyhow. We finally made it back to the hotel in time for a few hours of swimming, and then got ready for a night out on the town. What in the PISS were we thinking?!

Kids don’t like to walk, so why would we take them to the River WALK:? HELLO?!?!?!?! Morons. The only thing that made it worth-while was ending at Dick’s Last Resort. CoolTeen (and Peabody) was impressed with all the multi-colored bras hanging from the bar and girls as far as the eye could see. The place was packed wall to wall, so our party of 8 wedged in between the stage and ramp, and settled in for a good time. There was a storm of paper balls flying at all times. What an awesome idea! I had more fun throwing crap at random people than ever. CoolTeen got 2 hours to mack on women, and they thought he was a cute kid. CoolTeen = satisfied. For once! Smartie was head-banging to the live band, and happy, and Cookie was dancing on the table. We’re raising our kids to be outstanding citizens, eh? The music and margaritas made the whole day. I was ecstatic! Great ending to the first day.

Day Two (06.23.08)

Saturday we got up early and headed to Sea World. We had just arrived when I realized I left all our tickets the hotel. After another hour of driving and cussing enough to be a sailor, we arrived at Sea World for the 2nd time.

I could insert all sorts of thoughts going through my mind, then and now. Hmmm…..no politically correct way to say what I’m thinking. Ahh, nevermind. If you know me, call me and ask….or maybe you already know what I’m thinking….ya bunch of suckas.

Our smart friends had brought their tickets the first time, so they were already in the park. We spent the next hour looking for them. Finally we met up, did our sight-seeing, kid-slapping, slur-throwing business, and had a little fun.

Smartie rode her first roller coaster, and loved it. That’s my girl!!!! Even CoolTeen & Peabody had to get in some kiddy rides.

I had just made some smart-mouthed comment about how I wished it would pour down rain and cool us off. 30 minutes later, the rains came down like a flood. Everything was shut down for over an hour. Have you ever tried to get your child off of a 40-foot high climbing ropey-jungle-gym-thingy with lightening all around? I don’t recommend it. Not that it bothered me (hey—everybody needs a jolt every now and then!), but CoolTeen drove me NUTS thinking Smartie would be hurt. I’m glad he suddenly decided to be protective, because the other 364 days a year he wouldn’t pee on her if she were on fire!

In the middle of it all Cookie decided to throw a fit, classic style.

The rain drove most people away, and after waiting over an hour (and wasting loads of money on 5 varieties of ice cream) the rides opened back up. We rode the Electric Eel over and over again. The first time Bestie and I sat in the very front car. We made fun of a sign while in line that said you had to wear your shirt while riding, but didn’t think anything of it until the first drop. The tricky wind undid Bestie’s sarong and out popped Sidekick #1. Do you know how hard it is to catch one of those while on a roller coaster? Oh it’s tricky all right...and it doesn’t help when said wind is blowing slobber on you, from your friend’s mouth, because her mouth is open wide laughing. That’s what friends are for!!! Ride #2 was just as funny, but for different reasons. The “couple” in front of us had matching rings, tattoos, and were so in love. They were “special”. Guess you had to be there.

So we pay around $50 a piece to get in to this park, and what do my kids have the most fun doing? Playing in trees!!!!

We bailed out around 9 and headed to TGIF’s for dinner. Can you say POMEGRANATE MARGARITA?!?!?!? Oh, sweet heaven….when I’m a millionaire, I’ll have a pool of it to swim in. Not only is it pretty to look at (hey—presentation is everything), but makes you feel better AND has antioxidants!!! It’s a jack-of-all-trades!

I guess Cookie wasn’t as impressed with our surroundings. While I was gone to the bathroom, she unloaded vomit like a pro, all over Peabody and the aisle. The people sitting nearby were impressed no doubt!

Day Three (06.23.08)

Our last chance to get some fun in was Sunday, since we were heading out that evening. We hit Sea World early, and after trekking through fields of cars, broke down at the gate and decided to get a double-stroller-buggy for $15. Easily worth the money to shut kids up from saying—for the umpteenth time—I’m tired of walking!!!! We saw Shamu, the whole point of Sea World. That was touching….awww…..sentimental. It was pretty cool.

We also went to see the Ski-Show, and afterwards took pictures with some of the crew. Notice the stupefied look on Peabody’s face, all the while trying to cop a feel on the barely-legal’s to his left. Lol. Side-hug!

Then we hit Viva, which was a bit lame if you ask me. All pretty and bright colors, but a girl dressed up in a bird costume flying through the air and dipping her feet in water didn’t do much for me. The acrobats were cool, and I liked the dolphins and beluga whales, but there was just too much interpretive crap (dance) for me to handle.

By the end of the afternoon, I could’ve been a body-double for a lobster. SPF 30 blows. SPF my happy foot.

We took off around 4:00 p.m., and after getting on I-35, traffic slowed considerably. And then stopped. At first, I figured it was some moron trying to jump off a bridge on the very day I was using the road. Then I decided it must be construction, or a car wreck, but I never imagined there’d be a yacht blocking the road. Maybe it was the heat, the medication, the fighting children...who knows...but I found it insanely funny.

The rest of the trip was followed by more kids fighting….what else is there to do on a 5 hour drive home, I ask you? Of course, it wouldn’t be a trip with me if I didn’t get a ticket. The officer asked for my license, and the only one I could find was expired. Figures! Then I couldn’t find my insurance either. He started laughing, and told me he couldn’t wait all night for me to find it. Even though my inspection sticker expired in February, he still let me off! Oh, note to self: Thank you for not changing out of your swim suit before leaving San Antonio!!!!That’s it, in a nutshell...or a blog, rather. I’ve decided I’m never taking another vacation with my children unless there’s a nanny involved (even if she’s 18 and from Sweden), or until they’re in high school!!!!!!

Stuff in general... (04.08.08)

Had to take Smartie to the doctor yesterday, lol…she needed stitches but refused. She fell at school and bumped her lip. It didn’t bleed very much, but she refused to let anyone look at it. Two hours later I got home and looked, and there was a large hole where a piece of “stuff” was missing from her upper lip, on the inside (about a ½” piece). They tried to put dermabond on it, but it didn’t make it stick very well. Today she just looks like she got collagen injections on the top lip. Underneath though it’s whitish- gray …yuck.

Last week CoolTeen got his green belt in karate. He was proud and so were we. Then on Thursday Mom caught him walking down the road with a friend carrying candy. She knew they didn’t have money, but they told her the lady at the gas station said they could have it (she was another of their friends’ mom, and she’s given them candy before). Mom said she didn’t want the lady to get in trouble, so she was going to go pay for it. That’s when CoolTeen fessed up that they took it, as in “stole” it. Mom didn’t know what to do about it, so she just dropped him off at karate and then called me. I called the White Oak police and explained the situation to them. They laughed about it and said I could bring him. You should’ve seen the look on his face…I picked him up from karate and said we needed to go visit someone. I thought he was going to pass out. After he and the police had a “nice” talk, I took him back to the gas station where he apologized to the lady, and we paid for the candy. Then I called the other kids mom and told her about it. I’m pretty sure he learned his lesson. He was grounded the rest of the week and weekend. Even when his friends called and he told them he couldn’t talk…they asked him why he was grounded. He told them it was because of behavior issues…he was too ashamed to tell them he stole something. He was the best he's ever been at helping me with the girls for the rest of the weekend. He played with Smartie practically ALL day Saturday, with barely any fighting at all. :)

Yesterday I saw a cute little video of a baby (2 months younger than Cookie) saying all the names of her body parts, and making different animal noises, and I decided we needed to work on that, lol. All Cookie knows is toes and belly. If you ask her where anything else is (like her nose, ears, hair, hands) she always holds her foot up and points to her toes, lol. The only animal sound she knows is dog. She will make a dog sound, but last night started quacking….although it sounded more like ack-ack. Oh well. I'm still pretty sure she's a genius!

St. Baldrick's!

This weekend I organized the first ever St. Baldrick's Event in East Texas (Longview/Tyler area), which raises money for pediatric cancer research. I only had about 6 weeks to plan (I'm always "last minute")...but, we raised over $5,000 for pediatric cancer research! We also had 26 units of blood donated (their goal was 16), and the bone marrow company registered 21 new people! I’m so pleased with the turnout we had…it was so much greater than I had expected. We had about 30 shavees, including 7 brave “girls” who shaved their heads bald, and a few other ladies who cut their hair short for Locks of Love. Thanks again for the support from each and every one of you! I can’t wait until we do it again next year!!!!

It was just a trip to the pet store!!!! (01.29.08)

In my life, I've said I wouldn't go to a few select places anymore....like Chuck E. Cheese's (after the vomiting pants incident), or Braum's (after my insane-o-pregnant-meltdown). I can now add the pet store to the list.

I've always loved the pet store...just to stop by, look at the animals, play with the kids (not strangers kids...my own), etc. So, yesterday - when Smartie asked me to take her there, I thought it sounded like a good idea.

CoolTeen, Smartie, Cookie and I piled in the car and off we went. We played with the hamsters first. Smartie insisted on holding one, which may have been easier if I didn't have to catch it with one hand, while making sure not to drop Cookie. After getting a hold of the little sucker, I handed it over to Smartie, where she promptly let it fall on the floor. This was a good 3 foot drop, so I'm sure he suffered a traumatic brain injury of some sort. I scooped him up and tossed him back in the cage before he started stumbling...lol. Not funny, but it was funny.

Off to the dogs we went! The girls were cleaning out cages, so we got to play with nearly every dog there. There happened to be an English Mastiff...not as cute as mine, but cute anyhow. It took off running after another employee, but spotted Cookie on the way, and ended up scratching her face all up. Strike 2.

Smartie was now yelling that she needed to hold a bird. Of course she picked out the meanest bird in the cage, and just HAD to hold THAT ONE. I finally caught the demon-bird, when he proceeded to bite and flog me with his talons...lol. Evil birds, straight from the depths of hell. I just let go and he flew down in the pit of other evil bird-friends. Strike 3.

Technically, 3 strikes and you're out. But we weren't finished with this game...oh no! I was getting hot, irritated, sweating from lugging Cookie around and yelling at kids to quit touching that, and stop doing that. We went back to the hamsters for one final look. Smartie begged to have another try at holding one. I find one that looks cute and is sleeping, reach my hand down, and AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Screamed like a flipping girl right in the pet store. The stupid hamster lobbed on to my finger. I got so mad, that I pointed at the hamster, told him how lame I thought he was, and then gave him a gentle thump. Unfortunately some guy and his kid had just walked up behind me, and saw the alleged thumping incident. Piss. Strike 4.

We move to the bunny cage, the next one over, and the kid that was with his dad bends over the hamster cage and says, "Hey Dad! I wonder what would happen if I fell in there with them?" Like the parent of the year, I laughed and said, "They'd probably eat you alive!" I laughed. Surely they knew I was joking, pretty much. Guess not. People just don't have a sense of humor these days.

Why 2008 will be better than 2007.... (01.28.07)

A look at the past.....April 2007....Want another kid? I’ll be glad to give you one of mine!

Yesterday evening Smartie was hell-bent on being mischievous. She was playing outside with the dogs, and I went to check on her. When I opened the door she was standing between the 2 cars, looking surprised. I asked her what she was doing. “Oh, I just pooped out here.” You what?!?!?! “I pooped. And I tee-teed too.” WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!?! “Well, Daddy does it.” I couldn’t help but laugh, and tried to tell her that Daddy doesn’t poop outside, he only pees, and even that’s not IN the garage, it’s OUT in the grass.

I took her in the house for a bath. As soon as I got her washed off, I told her to play while I got some clothes for her to put on. By the time I got back to the tub, Smartie had dumped an entire bottle of baby powder in the tub. It was EVERYWHERE. The powder was floating in clumps on the top of the water, and Smartie had it all over her too. I had to empty the entire tub, wash it out, and give her another bath.

Later I walked into the kitchen, and once Smartie saw my eyes, she jumped back from the counter, and threw a box of breath mints on it. I asked her what she was doing (they were my father-in-law’s mints) and she put her hand on her hip, waved her hair out of her eyes, and said, “Oh…uh….CoolTeen! What did you give me these for?!?!?!” This was pretty funny, especially since CoolTeen was in his room with the door shut. She had to think of that excuse on the spur of the moment.

Is that all, you ask?!?!?!? Why NO, of course not!!! CoolTeen was taking a bath, and Smartie went in to bother him. She wouldn’t leave him alone, so he dumped a bucket of water over her entire body. She ran out crying, he was laughing, and I was yelling, since I had to get her new clothes, AGAIN, and clean up the bathroom, AGAIN. Oh….all that, and I super-glued my eyelid to my eyeball….

Bronchitis and a bloody nose (01.22.08)

I had an exciting weekend. Exciting may not be the best word choice now that I think about it. Exciting makes you think it was fun….awesome…exciting! It was opposite of that.

Sunday morning I got the kids ready and we headed off to church. Cookie was unusually happy, babbling through most of the service. Smartie was happy too, quite unusual, and went to Children’s Worship. T.Clutch announced that the office would be closed for MLK Day, so I would get the day off. Woohoo! Even I was happy!

After church we went home, and I laid down with Cookie for a nap. When we woke up, she sounded like a 30-year smoker with emphysema. I waited most of the afternoon around the house, to see if she’d get better. By 4:30 I’d made up my mind to go to the E.R. with her. Fun!

Long story short, they said she had bronchitis, and kept asking if she had asthma; NO. They sent us home, FINALLY, with an inhaler. All was well, or at least good for the moment. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I just knew I should’ve gone to work Monday. But I didn’t. I stayed home with the kids, looking forward to a long lazy day. Cookie had other plans, of course. She decided to pull a small table over on her face. I expected to see a purple punk-knot on her head, but when I picked her up, blood was everywhere. I’m NOT exaggerating…it really was everywhere. I ran her to the kitchen, screaming along the way; grabbed some paper towels and held them over her face. Then I debated who to call….Peabody? Mom? 911?

I called the doctor’s office when I realized she’d busted her nose. (imagine me, shrieking, yelling, hyperventilating….)

“Premier Pediatrics.”

“Are you open today?!?!?! Is this the answering service?”

“Yes ma’am. We’re open.”“I need a doctor on the phone. NOW!!!!! I think my baby broke her nose!!!!”

“Calm down ma’am. Let me take your information and I’ll get a phone nurse to call you back.”

“She might bleed to death by then. I don’t want a call back. Give me a nurse NOW!!!!!”

After talking to the nurse, I felt a little better. Cookie’s nose finally stopped bleeding, but every time she sneezed it would splatter. Imagine that.

Smartie looks in the trash can 30 minutes later, completely oblivious to what happened.“What’s all this blood in the trash can?”“It’s where Cookie busted her nose.”(Sound exasperated…..) “Oh gosh. I guess we’ll have to take her to the hospital again before you kill somebody.”Sounds about right!

Have you ever tried to de-pant at Chuck E. Cheese? (01.07.08)

Well, I didn't just try to take my pants off in front of a Chuck E. Cheese, but I accomplished it! That's right, at 7 p.m. on a Saturday night, I was shuckin' the britches. Fun it was! What lead up to the occurence was even more fun than that.

Mental picture: Me, serene and calm, as usual, in the middle of chaotic Chuck E. Cheese's. Cookie and I were bonding, I tell you. Apparently she wanted to bond in a different sort of way than I was thinking. She got choked on a mushroom, so I let her puke in my hand (ahh, the joys of motherhood!). No big deal. I've seen puke more times than I can count. She gags a bit more, and proceeds to chunk on my jacket/shirt. Still not horrible, to me, since I've been through this before. Just as I'm about to wipe off myself, she makes a little gaggy sound again. I say, "Cookie, don't throw up on mommy." Evidentally she has a hearing problem too. Vomit shot out of her mouth like water from a firehose. I wish I could insert the sound effect here, I can do it perfectly. Anyhow, this time I actually screamed (which was muffled by the screams of 500 other children running amok) and held her away from me. The guy at the table next to me asks if I need
anything. "YES! PPEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBOOOOOOODDDDDDYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Again, another shot of the puke. My girl has The Exorcist topped easy! Peabody finally shows up and says "Oh, yuck.", and thinking it's no big deal, because he can only see my shirt. Then I lean over and show him the vomit-pool I'm swimming in, and he looks sickish. I take Cookie to the bathroom, the both of us dripping. Some nice lady tried to help me wipe off my pants, but to no avail. This nasty crap either curdled off and fell in chunks on the floor, or smeared. That's an awesome feeling. Really. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say this is the most I've ever seen a child puke.

Fast forward to outside. I told the kids we had to go, obviously. We get outside, and I realize there's NO WAY I'm sitting in my car with these jeans on. My jacket, if you recall, was also puke-ified, so I wasn't sitting on that either. I made the wise decision to ditch the jeans, but the removal of them wasn't as easy. Not just because we were on the Loop on a busy weekend evening, but because chunks of vomity goodness were falling out from the INSIDE, smearing as I went. Bleck. I was NOT impressed. People were even getting in the car next to us. Oh well, like they've never seen legs before. Dorks.

The Torch (01.04.08)

The Clutch Family. Friends & co-workers. Nothing but good things to say about ‘em, except for the time T.Clutch tried to light up my pasture like the Fourth of July. Except it wasn't the Fourth of July.

On New Year’s eve, I talked to said family to make sure they got the ranch open okay. We were in Dallas, and they wanted to pop fireworks at our house. No big deal. We do it every year. Great. Sort of.The following morning my phone rings, and I see it’s T.Clutch calling me. I answer, “What’s happy about it?” Expected him to have said “Happy New Years!” Yes, happy new year’s, in a sort of twisted fiery-esque sort of way.

T.Clutch would be much better at telling this story, but since he has SO much to do being a boss and all, I thought I’d take the reigns here. Guess they only got to spark one firework, and I’m pretty sure it was the biggest firework they’d ever witnessed, so to speak. Oh the fire worked, alright….right from the little sparks warming up some grass, following it to the pond, and then torching into a bonfire! We’ll just say the story ends with a 911 call, some fire trucks, water, blisters, smoke inhalation, and a few acres of char. I think I’ll be putting something about fire safety in next week’s newspaper!

On the third day….

Ahhhhh, glorious Monday! New Year’s eve! Nothing can go wrong on this last and most perfect day of the year! Actually the most terrible/funny thing happened, but it’s so absolutely insane it will be saved for a separate post.

Freak and Bestie went to work, Peabody was gone, and I was in for a fun day with children. Let me elaborate. This would include my clan of super-good-ness (CoolTeen, Smartie, and Cookie), along with said dog, Rufus; AND SweetPea and DoggyFriend (friend’s sweet daughter and friend’s ever-balding dog). I started the day off like every day….with a little D&D. For reference, D&D happens to be Dr. Pepper & Darvocet. On a REALLY BAD day, you might go so far as to hit rock bottom, which would consist of P&P. Pills & Prayer. Oh yes. That’s what I’m talking about. God invented prayer, which I do daily, and he also invented those medicines. Or the tools, ingredients, and guys who put it all together. Let me just say it now and get it out there. I’m pro-drug, all the way. Nothing hard, mind you, but if there’s an ailment, there’s a medication for it, I can assure you. And…and ailment also includes those caused by 4 children, 2 dogs, and a house of expensive stuff!

Basically I sailed right through the day, nothing major. Just fighting, yelling, locking kids in closets…you know, the usual. Later in the day, the adults return home (Freak, Bestie, and even Peabody!). We decided to go to this super-cool exhibit at the Gaylord Texan resort hotel. On a side note, what idiot decided to name it Gaylord? I don’t’ care if that’s your name…change it! Gaylord? Aren’t you asking for it? I could fill a whole page with crap about that. Anyhow, the ice exhibit was super-cool, like I said earlier. It was 2 MILLION (tons or pounds, I can’t remember) of ice, carved into all sorts of crap. Slides, trains, elves, toys, candy canes, a walk through Nativity scene with the biggest angel ever – honestly, we’re talking 30 feet high with a 20 foot wingspan. He could whoop some demon-tail if I EVER saw. At the end were the slides, steps and all made of ice, 3 different levels. I got to slide once, and felt like a kid again. Smartie went at least 15 times. OHHHH…also it was only 9 degrees in there, and you had to wear these astronaut parkas.So things are awesome, and we head back home. My back is killing me, but hey, have D&D and there you go! Fixed up for AT LEAST 2 hours. Me and Bestie play 13, and I beat her into oblivion, thank you very much. We ring in the new year with Peabody asleep on the floor, kids passed out on the couch, and my sitting up ‘til 2 in the a.m. watching Code Blue on TLC. Life in the lap of luxury!

Day Two in Hades

This was a good day, overall, thinking back on it now. Nope, cancel that.

We (as in me, Peabody, CoolTeen, Smartie, Cookie, Freak, Bestie and SweetPea) all loaded up and went to a mall, where they had a toy train exhibit. They were running everywhere – over your head, through your legs…you get it. Like some train monster vomited in there. The train monster also vomited the city of Dallas and surrounding areas in there too. It was pretty neat, complete with little playgrounds and creepy little kids on swings that were an inch tall. Neat, but you couldn’t get me to spend the night there.

After the fun with trains, we window shopped stores I couldn’t afford to step foot in. CoolTeen drove me nuts the entire time thinking we were going to fall off the 2nd level, so he kept pushing me away from the sides. At least he’s considerate sometimes! Smartie had a nervous breakdown and wouldn’t walk at all without screaming, and holding onto my leg for dear life. Not because of the level, but because the floor was some sort of marble-y stuff, and she could see the reflection of the ceiling on it. Try walking through the mall with a 25 pounder, an 11-year old pushing you, and a 3-going-on-4-UFC-Wrestler at your butt and it’s difficult. I should’ve won an award for the delicate way I handled things. Yes, I did use “I” and “delicate” in the same sentence. Get over it. I can be delicate. Really. Delicate like a water buffalo.

Later, in the bat cave, I was parading through the house when the blasted ottoman jumped right in front of me, and tried to bite off my toe. I saw my life flash before my eyes. This was the first of three times that happened this night (the whole flashing-life-scenes thing). The second time was when I bent down to do something unimportant, and when I stood up, a wall decoration consisting of a candle, glass, and wrought iron, tried to impale my skull. Stupid wall decoration…didn’t it know it wouldn’t be successful?!?!?!?! I came away unscathed pretty much…just a dent in the ol’ noggin.The third time my life flashed before my eyes was because of Smartie. Apparently she was trying to get the dog from behind the couch. Failing, she instead decided to knock over a flipping table that may as well have been made of diamonds…wait, not diamonds…they don’t break….may as well have been made of Waterford crystal, that also happened to have numerous other valuable things on it (i.e. lamp, glass tray, geode bookends, my last will and testament). Everything tumbled, everyone yelled, Bestie cussed, I cussed, heck…Smartie probably cussed. She got spanked, put in time out, and somehow…only by the grace of our Lord and Savior, only a mug broke. It was a miracle!

Peabody left later that evening so he could go to work on Monday. And Monday my dear, is another story.

Weekend in hell….err, Dallas: Part Uno (01.04.08)

I was really looking forward to going to Dallas last weekend, for the New Year, and spending time with my best friend and her family. Good things happened, but from what I can recall, the bad may have outweighed the good.First Night

Ahhhh, the first night visiting. Everyone’s glad to see everyone else. People are happy. Kids are decent. Dog is good. Or that’s what my stupid brain had me thinking for the first 5 minutes!Hmmm. Did I sleep the first night? Nope! Sure didn’t, Bob! I was up cleaning couch covers all night long. Let me digress.

My friends have a huge “L” couch that numerous people could fit on. Seeing how there’s only 3 of them, I’m not sure what they were thinking when they bought it. Maybe when they had 20 kids they could line them all up on it. No really….it’s a nice couch, comfy, you can fall into it, and just about everyone from both families could fit on it. Sooooooo….I’m laying on the couch with “All My Children” when I’m getting ready to go to sleep. I figure I’ll just stay downstairs and save myself the trouble when someone needs something to drink, diaper change, etc. I was kissing the kids good night, when I realize……….. Smartie pissed on the couch. Lovely. That’s the exact word that came to my mind. She couldn’t have picked a more expensive couch to pee on unless we’d been at Saks or something. I stay up the next 1.5 hours trying to get the flipping cover off the cushion, so I can wash, dry and put it back on before telling Jackie.

Fast-forward a bit….I’m heaving and huffing, trying to stomp the cushion back into the cover, and finally! I get it. I put it back on the couch, and then kiss the kids goodnight, again. This time at 3:00 a.m………ooohhhh…..the time when the spirits are most active. Apparently there was a spirit of bodily excrement following me around. When I got to Smartie, guess what I found? JUST GUESS! Another patch-o-piss! Seriously! It’s a conspiracy!!!! This was followed by more foul language, washing, drying, and stuffing. I finished up around 7:00 a.m. Why go back to sleep now? The day is just getting started!!!!!

Kids say stupid crap sometimes.... (01.03.08)

I'm not excluding myself from this topic, because I say stupid things every time I open my mouth. Apparently my children have followed suit.

Last night I'd just finished eating a hamburger when Smartie said, "Mom! I wanted a hamburger too!" I told her she should've said something before I inhaled the entire thing. I would've shared (a little). Then she asked me, "Where did you hide it? In your hips?" EX-CUSE MEH? My hips? What hips? Where did she hear something like that?!?!?! I asked her who told her I had big hips. She said, "Aunt Sharon." I somehow doubt that's true.

CoolTeen also has a way with words. He's also in that "stage"...you know - 6th grade, having those stupid sex talks, etc. So I'm putting away baby food in the cabinet, when CoolTeen points and yells, "Holy crap, mom! What are those? Condoms?!?!?!?!" I'm appalled my baby even knows the word, much less know what they could possibly look like. My 2nd thought was what idiot put condoms in with the baby food, and where did they come from. I turn my head to see that Q is pointing at the box of baby bottle liners. Now, without saying too much, these suckers are 8 oz. They also expand in the middle to hold 10 oz. What kind of jacked-up giant on the beanstalk would need such a commodity I ask you? Seriously? Wouldn't that be like elphantitis or something? You might be able to sign up for Guinness Book with such a thing! I couldn't even begin to imagine. I ask CoolTeen, "How do you know what those are?", which was answered with a "I know more than you think I do, Mom." Great. Whatever. I proceeded to tell him he better not ever need such an instrument until he was at least 55. He complains and says "Holy crap, Mom! I can't even have kids? I don't want to be 90 when my kids are 20!!!!!"

Good point.Ahhhh....out of the mouths of babes. I'm so glad Cookie can only say a few. :)

Conversation with a State Trooper (01.02.08)

Today I had a conversation with a State Trooper. It went a little something like this:

"Hi M'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Yes sir. I was speeding." (Grinning from ear to ear.)
"Do you have some sort of medical emergency?
"Well, it's not really an emergency, but I AM going to the gastro doctor right now. See? Here's my paper." (Smiling and showing him papers.)
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Well, to be honest I wasn't looking at the speedometer, but I'm going to jump out there and guess 70."
"Yes m'am. You were clocked at 71."
"Ooooh, see! I told you, I'm pretty good at that guessing stuff. I was right on the mark!"
"May I have your license and insurance please?"
"Sure, here they are."
"M'am, your insurance is expired. Do you have another form in there somewhere?"
"Well, I probably do, but I don't want to look for it right now. If you want you can follow me to my Mom's house. She lives just down the street and I can print you out one there."
"That's okay, m'am. Just give me a second."

I wait in the car, feeling chipper, just knowing that I'll get out of this ticket. And I did. He comes back to the car, and the following takes place:

"M'am, I'm not going to give you a ticket for the speeding, but you will need to go to the court and show the judge your insurance."
"Why thanks, officer. See, I was speeding because I'm going to the gastro doc, and I want to get out of there as fast as possible. IF you know what I mean." (followed by laughter)
"M'am, I don't want to hear any more about your doctor's appointment today."
"Don't you think it's a good way to start out the new year?"
"Well, yes, I guess so. I hope everything turns out ok."
"Thanks, officer. Have a great day!"

He laughed quite a bit, but I think he was ready to vomit by the time he got back to his car.Now guess what? For saying all that (because I was truly going to the gastro doc, I get repaid by getting to have a colonoscopy on the 28th of January. Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Do you want me to call the police?! (12.19.07)

Mom called me just a bit ago. She was keeping the girls until I got off work. Apparently Smartie took Cookie in the bedroom and proceeded to lock the door. At first it was funny. Then it was annoying. Gracelyn refused to open the door on any condition. The conversation went something like this (with me listening on the phone)

"Smartie, you open that door, or I'm going to call your mother!"
"NO!"
"I'm calling her right now, and you're going to be in big trouble!"
"Fine. Call her then. I don't care."
"Okay, I'm calling her. She said get out of that bedroom."
"Hell no! I'm not going anywhere."

Mom finally says she'll call me back when she gets Smartie to open the door. I wait about 5 minutes, and call back to hear Cookie screaming in the background, and Smartie laughing. This all at the same time as my mother is cussing like a sailor (and I can just HEAR her frothing at the mouth).

"You open that door or I'll bust your butt!"
"NOOOOOOOO!"
"Santa Claus isn't bringing you anything."
"I don't care. I don't want anything from stupid Santa."
"Your mom is going to call the police!"
"Call 'em."
"SMARTIE, open the door NOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!"

This was followed by my mom sliding the fly-swatter under the door and thrashing it back and forth. Who knows who's feet she got (could've been Smartie's....could've been Cookie's, lol).

Finally the door opened and Smartie said, "There. It's open. Gosh." (The most calm look on her face, like she doesn't know what the big deal is.)Does she get it from me?!?!?!?!

I'm a radio STAR!!!!!! (12.18.07)

Honestly, If I get any cooler than I already am, I don't know how I'll handle it all. Not only am I a wife, mother, office worker, former model, contortionist, graceful strider (i.e. falling down the stairs) and jack-of-all-trades, I can now add radio star to my resume!!!!! I'll be signing autographs all next week. Call me and I'll see if I can pencil you in (you have to be REALLY important for ink).Came in to work this a.m., and turned on the radio...and heard, "The tune of O Christmas Tree is also the tune to 4 state songs. Name one and you win!" I dial, ring....ring....ring....IOWA? Yes! How did you know that? Are you from Iowa?" "No, I'm work in an office (like that's relevant?!?!?!?) and the other day I helped my son do his state report, which happened to be on Iowa. That was one of the fun facts we used." I freaking RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There I was pissing and moaning about doing some report with CoolTeen, and I got dinner for 2 at Mazzio's. What's up?!?!?!?! It's no Foga de Ciao, but it's food, and it's free. That's what I'm talking about.

Something inspirational, perhaps? (12.18.07)

Now that I wrote that for the title, I don't think that's really appropriate for this story. Soooo, if what you're looking for is a little inspiration, HIT THE ROAD. It's not here, I can assure you. Neat, yes...but not inspirationl.

Those of you that know me, know I've been on a crusade to get an English Mastiff. The Dog of all dogs, to me. I had one, once, and some sorry suckas stole her, and I hope they've repented, or have gotten tangled in barbed wire, or the dog has turned against them, eaten them, or something along those lines. But nothing too harsh, you know.ANYWAYS...back to the "new" dog.

I will be adopting my newest family member this Saturday, and I'm counting down the days like a kid at Christmas. (Can I still be counted as a kid at 30?) So last night I'm on the 'puter, doing serious research (i.e. seeing if I've won the lottery) when I decide to look up directions to the dog's current address. I notice a nearby town (6 miles away) is called Dripping Springs.In college, at band camp (kidding - it wasn't band camp, it was a party)....no, no, no....In college I had 3 jobs, and one of them was for some cousins (called aunt/uncle) in Kilgore at their business. The woman boss even coordinated my wedding. I was very close to them, but they loaded up and shipped off to guess where?!?!?! Dripping Springs! Like the sleuth/CIA agent that I am, I tracked down their business on the internet, and called them last night at home.Now, this Saturday, not only do I get to pick up the newest member of my family, but I get to see people I haven't seen since my wedding (almost 9 years for you lame-o's out there). I'm VERY excited. Must be fate! Or how 'bout God?! Woohoo!

A Christmas Story, sort of.... (12.17.07)

Here's another story from the past...this summer, in fact, after Vacation Bible School....

Yesterday Smartie was telling me bible stories. I got all teary-eyed thinking how she’s actually paid attention in church and Vacation Bible School, and was so proud of my little *angel*. That’s what she is, you know, a perfect angel. She tells me how Jonah was swallowed by the whale (and the whale happened to be a girl), and how she spit him out. She proceeds to tell me about Jesus, Mary and Joseph. She even adds in some girl named Jennifer, and starts calling Joseph, Joespher. This is still too cute, and I’m just beaming from ear to ear. Then she tells me the story of Mary and Martha, and how Jesus came to visit them. She then said, “Martha said – Jesus! Don’t say bad words.” , and I told her, “Gracelyn, Jesus didn’t do anything bad. He was without sin. He didn’t say bad words.” “Well, I do!”, was her response. Okay, we’re still alright, and she goes on telling me how Martha was busy cleaning and cooking for Jesus, but Mary wasn’t doing anything. She just sat with Jesus and listened to him. Then, according to Gracelyn, Martha got so mad that she was doing everything, that she started looking for Mary. When she found Mary sitting with Jesus, she said, “Mary, what the hell is going on here?!?!?” Somehow I doubt those words were in the Bible.

Boxing, anyone? (12.13.07)

It all started on a beautiful Tuesday. Little did I know, it would turn into another day of pure joy straight from the blackest pits of hell.

Round 1 – Mother’s Day Out Christmas Un-Program:

My daughter Smartie doesn’t like most people at first glance (or 5th either). She does, however, LOVE performing at her loudest, singing and dancing in front of the TV or the person that’s nearest. Tuesday night she had a Mother’s Day Out program, with singing involved. WOOHOO! My child will be a star! That’s actually an inaccurate description. She was more along the lines of a bulldog. She was placed in line by a child (to remain nameless) that was NOT of the best influence. By the time he shoved her, and the other boy jerked her hair, she was pissed. I was completely surprised she didn’t punch anyone in the face. Did she sing? Hell no. Just stood with arms crossed, the meanest look I’ve seen in a while on her face, snarling. That’s my girl!!!!!

Round 2 – CoolTeen's First Un-Performance in the Band:
I leave Smartie's activities to go straight to see my genius son’s first performance in the school band. Ever. Me, Mom, Smartie, Cookie & Peabody…we’re all there. We sit in the middle of a row where we *think* we can see CoolTeen. I feel a pang in my belly. Not good, I can tell. The Band Director then announces that no one is allowed to get up during the performance, because it’s being recorded. Lovely. I start getting hot and fanning myself. All I needed to add was “I do de-clah-uh.” Anyhow, blah, blah, end of performance, and no CoolTeen in sight. I finally found him OUTSIDE. Huh? Long story short, some jerk stole his instrument, and he didn’t get to play. I was acting calm and serene, as usual, ready to beat the everloving monkey piss out of somebody. Anybody. The teacher? The other kid? An innocent bystander? All would have worked at the minute.

Round 3 - TKO:
Therefore, I got my video camera all ready for NOTHING, both times. Then I remembered I forgot the FLIPPING CAMERA at HOME ANYHOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I quit. You’re all fired!

Why I'm not sane (06.27.07)

I’m going INSANE!!!! I refuse to ask the stupid question, “What else can happen?” because it
just keeps happening all on its own!!!!!!!!!! URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t shout loud enough in my email. I was literally growling and frothing at the mouth because of my computer just a minute ago. I honestly hope everyone ignores me today.

  • Almost out of propane.
  • Peabody's sick.
  • I’m sick.
  • Kids are maniacs.
  • Someone asks me to make copies, a BUNCH, like say 8 sets of 65 double-sided sheets. After making ONE set of copies, the COPIER BREAKS!!!!!!!!! Now what do I do? These are for an “important” meeting, and it will just look like the secretary is no doubt mentally challenged.
  • Copier is broken. Again. And making my paper into little decorative fans, which would be FINE IF I WERE TRYING TO MAKE FANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Anti-christ copier company won’t send rep until this afternoon.
    Went to Mom’s for lunch and CoolTeen was running around, OUTSIDE, with his UNDERWEAR on! They sort of look like shorts, but c’mon…really tight short shorts. PUH-LEESE.
  • Peabody hates his job and mopes.
  • Have I mentioned the propane?!?!?!
  • Have I mentioned that the COPIER is BROKEN!?!?!?!?! AGAIN?!?!?!??! I’m quite sure there’s a conspiracy against me here, or wait, even better…some militant militia (is that even “real”?) is plotting against me because I hold the key to something important, like a vast wealth of MUD, in my YARD, that’s preventing the PROPANE from being delivered!!!!!!!!
  • I try to get ahead, and start making copies on the evil upstairs copier for other work. It’s only one side, for right now. After I finish, and am oh-so-pleased with myself for doing a good deed (even if it IS in my job description) only to get back to my desk, and get an email from a co-worker (totally not his fault, it’s the lame computer) saying to disregard the previous email (with? You guessed it! The stuff I inserted and copied just minutes ago!) Now I get to do it ALL OVER AGAIN AND waste MORE paper and TIME and INK and CRAP.

I’ll be bald by tomorrow. Mark my words.